The relationship I've been in for the last 11 years has evolved. Maybe I sound a bit new-age-y (consciously uncoupling?) but as hard as it has been to grieve the change, it has also been freeing, for both of us I think.
We made some big commitments early on when we were just 24 years old and one of them was that we wouldn't stay together if we were unhappy together. It didn't mean we didn't work through tough times, or that we thought we should always be blindingly in-love forever or else - it just meant we cared enough about each other to promise not to chain ourselves together if it just wasn't working anymore.
Despite this, the decision took time, it's hard to know when or if to let go. It wasn't some frivolous thing that was easy or made in anger. Once we'd both gotten to that place, I felt both deep sadness and relief. 11 years together, building a life and a family feels like a physical and emotional attachment and slowly dissolving some of those bonds with solvent is difficult to do. It's like a bizarre type of surgery; sometimes you realise you've pulled too quickly and you've inadvertently left wounds or even small scars on each other. But I think we managed to separate ourselves from each other as carefully and with as much love and respect as possible.
It was during this time that I realised I chose the right person to marry - I know this because even when we chose to untangle ourselves from each other, we cared for each other as friends. It hasn't been pain-free, simple or without mistakes but I think we've both survived so-far because we still love each other. We've really tried our best to do this with eyes wide open the whole way through, even when it fucking hurt.
We'll both be happier in the long run and we're still a family but we're no longer a couple. I wouldn't change our story and just because it didn't end in one of us dying, it's not a failure. As far as I'm concerned, our marriage was a success because we split up in time to preserve our relationship - tectonic change is seriously painful but we've survived it together.
Now we're just taking time to heal and figure out what we want our lives to look like apart.
