Drugged up and surviving.

Felt like I needed to publish another post so I don't worry people. I'm okay, I'm not that okay but I will be. You know the feeling where you know it's not bottomless, that it'll fade. And I've definitely got the experience in that area.

I think I need to stop listening to myself, I don't make good decisions.

Going to attempt to get a crappy cafe job and just be busy with that for a bit.

Happiness lived in cheesecake.

I'm an idiot. Once an idiot, always an idiot.

I don't seem to learn my lesson.

And here I am, heartbroken again. Spare me the "I told you so's", I'm beating myself up enough for all of you and I'm not asking for any pity. Maybe a little. A sprinkle.

Happiness lives in cheesecake.

So I met someone; Jordan, this incredibly funny, sweet, sexy, wonderful person. I could list so many more mushy adjectives but you might vomit on your computer. I feel so goofy happy all the time, I miss him when I'm not talking to him, I seriously can not get enough of this boy. :) He's even better than cheesecake.

I'll stop all that nonsense now, no one wants to hear about happy people, happy people are boring sods with lack of character. Character being carted round by those of us who live in the real world of debt, unemployment, loneliness and one of those sad McDonald drive-through stickers that clearly indicates our capitalist whorish nature and explains that extra roll of fat around our tummy. Happiness happens in short bursts, with good trips, good sex, good food, good drink and laughs. I used to have that, I used to believe that when I was happy, that it would go away within a few minutes... it had to, but this time I'm basking in it. Marinate even, like those yummy mushrooms my Mum makes.

Truckin down to Chch again tonight because my course was "over-booked" apparently so I might as well work down there and then come back up next year since I needed to come down for Xmas anyways.

So there's the news, all very rose coloured but meh, it's a one in a million positive blog in my arena so you can all suck on it. :P

Sniff, hack, cough.

Yes I'm sick, on my death bed. My last meal being a sugary mini donut. It was worth it.

I'm still trying to decide between living in Christchurch and doing Fine Arts or living in Welly and doing a Bachelor of Design. I've been trying to make that choice for like two years now. A bit pathetic really.

Maybe I should just go and travel again, rack up a student loan when I get back...

I have no idea how people make these decisions, they don't seem to have right or wrong answers.

Bitches.

The Guru

I'm good at advice. Well no, not really advice, I guess I'm good at listening and then seeing something the other person hasn't been able to see themselves. I do it with myself all the time, I know exactly how I could be a better/happier/healthier person and I can talk about it forever but I never seem to move past the thinking and into the doing. It's incredibly frustrating to feel trapped by yourself. We all are to some respect I guess. How we see ourselves, how we choose to be seen by others... I just feel stuck so often in my life.

This isn't a cry for help, I promise. It's more of a thought amongst thoughts that will hopefully one day become an action.

Swwwwishhhhhhh.

I've been thinking about finishing my degree. I could even take on the Summer School course that I need to get done in November if I want to. I went back to the Massey site and downloaded the degree timetable, and plotted the degree out. I actually got excited about it even. I'm still going to look for a job but as much as I'd like it to, I highly doubt that my dream job will fall into my lap and who's kidding who? I'm not going to end up becoming some entrepreneur, I like having guidelines to work around, people to collaborate with or at least bounce ideas off. I like working for someone. My main reasoning though is this: if I want to work in the New York or Paris studios then I need a fucking amazing reel, and to get a fucking amazing reel, I'll need to have a great portfolio and then get work at a great studio in Welly, work here for a few years and develop that fucking amazing reel I know I will one day be capable of. But right now, I need time to learn and motivation to churn out work, and that's what courses at Uni are really. If we could all do research on our own and develop our own educations independently then we would but most of us can't. Now that I'm stabilised and generally happy and confident, I know I could do the Uni thing. It's funny how scared I was at failing for so long after being pulled out... but now I don't see any of it as a failure, it was just what happened and what I got through to be here now. Nothing to be ashamed of. :)

I've had a really nasty sore throat for about a week now which has been rather shite but meh, that's life. Rather that than most other ailments eh?

I know I've been a bit lack luster on the whole friends part of my life lately, but I'm starting to feel more myself again, more in control of what I'm doing and where I want to go, if that makes any sense. So I will be in contact soon you lovely people. :P

Numerous bear hugs and smooches from me to you.

Disappointment.

I slept with a close friend of mine on Friday, turns out I do sleep with all my male friends. Matt was right. No regrets there though, it was going to happen at some stage and now it's all over. Time to move past that series of disasters. Hurts though.