Sad

I have the sensation that I look just like an injured animal, something a bit pathetic and cute to be around for awhile, until he moves onto something stronger. I deleted his number to force him from my life. Forcing myself to let him force me from his life. Like a false severing of the ties, so I don't make it worse but also so I can wait for him to leave me. I feel so judgmental to those people that I thought were so sad, staying in relationships that were unhappy because they clasped to the comfort, to the person that at least they still loved maybe. They're still sad just more understood. I'm waiting for him to push me over, why? Because there is a chance in hell that he'll hug me instead, and even though I feel shite and my self-respect has been dropped.

Under my skin

I'm crumbling here, imploding doesn't quite cut it. But definitely an inward motion of sorts.

I've been sick most of the week, slept this entire week away.

I miss Nina. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to feel messed up though. It could all just be this rouse to create reason in the madness. I have all these reasons to be sad, lonely, unhappy but they're just explanations and those don't actually do anything. I never do anything. I'm a talker. All talk in fact. I expected so much more from myself, so did everyone around me. Of course we did, I can talk circles around anyone and passionately lead myself in a new direction every five minutes and yet I look around me after twenty-four years and I'm exactly where I started. Even people I don't respect have moved in some sort of concise direction. I envy that dedication in which I seem to lack the balls to adhere to.

I lost respect for myself years ago now. I wonder if I'll ever manage to grasp that again. I used to understand and mostly like how the world viewed me, my parents, friends, strangers and now I can't even see myself in the mirror anymore.

I want to be medicated because the idea that I'm this drain on my parents makes me emotionally nauseous but have the Doctors and pills really made me easier to live with? I'm still living under their roof, off their money, in their faces all the time. I'm acutely aware that this isn't the natural place for me to be. I live with so much guilt for so much and feel powerless even though I'm sure I am not.

This world seems too big for me. It is shaking me about, smashing me into walls and I keep thinking how being so out of control is why I hate Roller-coasters so much. Life is like a Roller-coaster apparently. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm so scared that I can't scream, need to vomit and have this over-all feeling that I just want to get off this fucking ride.

Leaning Against The Wall

I just spent an hour updating the layout of this thing, not knowing whether I really had anything of interest to write.

I'm lying here, listening to music, electric blanket on high, lamp on low, thinking about how much I need to buy some gloves. This scene is becoming very familiar, a routine of sorts. I don't have anything to stay up for at the moment, nor anything to wake up for at the moment. It's frustrating in that sort of hopeless, mind-numbing way where you feel trapped but so exhausted you've stopped trying. My parents try harder at my life than I do.

The awareness that it'll change and progress is there but as much of a cliche it is, the murky clouds return and capture my mind for the moment and I feel alone.

That is my rock n roll face

Been ages, am a blog-geek slacker.

Have wonderful (most of the time) bf who I'm rather attached to. Wot a lucky fella. ;)

Quit my soulless retail job, was mind-blowingly fabulous to get the hell out of there. Which means I'll probably end up with another retail job shocker to add to my lengthy C.V. Oh wells, tis the life, hopefully next year I'll get to start lookin up lady's V-j-js to spot babies. Whoop, whoop! :)

Dad is leavin for Oz today to go sweat it out with a thousand other crazies, biking up and down somewhere interesting. My response to this adventure is; "yay, I get the car", "yay, no more T.v tennis domination" and "what a silly thing to go off and do".

Tis all for now, I might get into this again. But then again, knowing me, probably not.

Commitment-phobe

I've moved back to Chch. Commitment issues with cities much?

I had to though. Had no job, growing debt and no where to live. Not exactly the best situation to be in long term anyways, so I'm back with my parents, looking for a job...

As a silver lining though, Dad bought these maps of all these walks so we've been doin those which is weirdly kinda cool. We have a load of nature reserves scattered all round the place, ones you'd never know about unless you lived out in the wops.

Missed the animals so much, Izzy is like a crazy head-butter now and just sits on my tummy rubbin her face up to mine. So cute. :)

Jordan and I broke up a few months ago which was pretty devastating for both of us, but I'm starting to feel less broken now.

So nothing too exciting really but I am feeling really pretty good. :P

Some quiz just called me a slut?

Actually to be fair it said:

Title: What do boys think of you

They think of you as a slut. You may be pretty and popular...but you need to change your ways.

I feel a tad internet bitch slapped, especially since my answer to "What is your perfect date?" was "A romantic movie". If I'm a slut then what is the girl who answered "A stroll on the beach"? a cock tease? Pft. I've only had the word slut referred to me when my best friend in High School thought it was funny to say "A slut? Geni is the furtherest thing from a slut", which in turn had it's own bad repercussions...

Time is quickly running out for a place to live which is a bit scary. I'll find somewhere though. I've got an interview for a really great design studio next week which will hopefully go well, but since I haven't really gotten any breaks recently I'm not holding my breath.

Flat hunting blows chunks

I may've found a place to live with three Scottsmen, my Grandad would've been so proud. Looking at it tomorrow and man I hope it's freakin great cause I'm going bonkers looking at all these places, ringing them up and finding out I'm too late or about half a dozen others are on the list too.

No job either, have an interview to be a part-time nanny a few afternoons a week which would be good. Childcare is something I'm good at, enjoy and it pays well. So fingers crossed that everything starts to click together finally.

Jordan and I were going to move in together but in a simplified version of it all, he needs to get a lot of stuff sorted out at home and I need to live in town soon before I start shelling out major amounts of cash for public transport from way over here. I think he'll move down at some stage though, until then I just miss him like crazy. It'll all be worth it though.

Boring life update, apologies.

Sending my love. :)