Beyond The Cock-shots

I wrote the following piece for a New Zealand 'news' (I use that word here very loosely) site called stuff.co.nz as they'd asked for contributions on the subject of finding love online. It was published but changed without my knowledge or authorisation. They retitled it: 'Finally finding wonderful online', added a stock image of a wanky young couple with equally wanky blurb: "SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT: Why is it so difficult for a modern woman to figure out how to properly romance a man?" That blurb disgusts me on many levels and is completely contradictory to the message I was trying to get across.

I've since written to the editor to try and get it removed although I doubt that will happen. I decided to post it on here so that it could be posted how it was supposed to be read, and so that they get less hits from my friends who might click my link and decide to read it. Hope you enjoy...

BEYOND THE COCK-SHOTS - Geni McCallum

Rob Lowe - 'Parks and Recreation'

I've never had a problem with talking to strangers.

When I was studying and living in central Wellington, some of the most interesting conversations I ever had took place at bus stops, queues for coffee, turbulent airplanes and even within hospital waiting rooms.

When I was younger it sometimes led to me ask someone if they wanted to get coffee sometime, or vice versa, and I met great and not so great people dating that way.

Once I moved back to Christchurch I found it more difficult to meet people, and as I was an already seasoned geek, I naturally gravitated to online dating.

At first it was fun, judging people based on such a tiny bit of information about them, but soon it just felt a bit depressing.

FindSomeone was often full of men and women much older than me, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat. I was more interested in meeting new people and potentially dating them, if we happened to hit it off.

I've noticed that in relation to other countries, we often leave very little time to get to know people before we prematurely jump in the sack with them, and/or label them our significant other. As a woman, dating was often seen as being 'skanky', even though I was very open about it and never led someone on if I felt like it wasn't working out.

I went on quite a few dates, and figured out that a good way to determine whether there was any chemistry between us was to call them up and have a chat.

Gut instincts work incredibly well on this type of dating platform. Personally, if I had always listened to them, I wouldn't have ended up in some of the incredibly dangerous situations that I only narrowly escaped.

If Facebook had been around back then, I probably would have cyber-stalked them a little too, just to feel them out a bit before meeting in public.

I once met a guy who at first seemed really nice, but as soon as I met him I knew I just wasn't attracted to him. I let him know pretty quickly that whilst he seemed like a great guy, I just wasn't feeling it.

He decided to take that as a challenge and proceeded to attempt to 'sell himself up'. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a date with someone who won't shut up about themselves, even after you've tried to say you're not interested in them. Apart perhaps from realising he's following you out the door.

I said goodbye and then he stalked me (while texting me) for a bit, gave up and I walked back to my car, looking backwards every two seconds. Sadly, that's not nearly the dodgiest situation I managed to find myself in, but it's the only one I'm willing to publicly share.

I'd like to note that there will be no victim-shaming or sexist rants here (towards or against either sex). However, it should be understood that not everyone will be who they say they are. Once a guy turned up to meet me - his profile photo was of a completely different person!.

Whether you identify as straight, bi, gay, trans, male, female, or another label, please make sure you meet people in a public place and make a rule to stay there for the first date. It is NOT your fault if something happens to you and you decide to act otherwise, I just know that not everyone will be as lucky as I was to get away safely.

On a more positive note, I met my partner five years ago online.

Bizarrely enough we found each other, wading through the many, many unicorn proposals (a twosome wanting you to complete their threesome), sociopaths (I dated a guy for three months who lived a double life, complete with new-born baby and live-in girlfriend) and general liars on NZDating.

I met someone I never would have dated in real life, someone who turned out to tick all the boxes I never knew I wanted, and un-tick so many of the silly ones I'd naively created for myself over the years.

Despite both the horror stories and generally lovely people, (who mutually just didn't 'click'), I met someone pretty great.

I quickly knew from the insanely cute profile picture of him and his two-year old daughter, long winded, bluntly honest self-description he'd written of himself at 2AM, and effortless five-hour phone call we had before we met.

So while I don't prescribe to 'The ONE' or 'Other Half' mentality, nor do I believe we will necessarily last until one of us is dead (credit Dan Savage), I love and feel lucky to have found and have him in my life.

I discovered my family online, and I will always be grateful for that.

My Thoughts On Marriage.

I was/am one of the lucky few people in my generation to grow up with parents who were (and still are) in-love. They don't just love each other as companions, they didn't stay together "for the kids" (I know because they told me it wouldn't have been enough of a reason to), and somehow their love managed to stick around. I was always aware that it took work, that it wasn't magic, so I grew up knowing that it was possible but not always easy to find and keep love and that even some nights of a mainly happy marriage are spent sleeping on the couch.

In the last year or so I've begun to question what I believe marriage to be, more often questioning whether the ideals of marriage and in particular weddings actually suit me and if it is something I want to be a part of. I think it's often easier to figure out what you don't want to be a part of first, sort of like crossing out the options to narrow down and discover the ones you actually want. So my list is as follows:

1. I don't want to be a part of an institution that would have excluded me if the person I had eventually wanted to spend my life with was a woman. 
2. Or one that my friends and family are automatically excluded from if they love someone of the same sex. 
3. I don't want to carry on the sexist traditions which still symbolise that my female ancestors were once the property of their fathers and husbands. 
4. I also know that I don't want to spend the tidy sum of a house deposit on a glorified party (or just the dress). 
5. Nor do I expect my parents or partner's parents to pay for it. 
6. I don't want to plan said party to thinly disguise itself with claims about our commitment to our relationship but which rarely actually includes the person who makes it ours and not just mine.
7. I don't want to invite people who haven't actively taken part in our lives but who still expect that we will invite them simply because of genetics. 

All these reasons are logical but my feelings very rarely are. It's odd how you can grow up thinking that there are certain milestones you have to pass at certain ages otherwise you're a failure. I don't like the feeling that I might be missing out on something or regret having not taken part but I'm also not sure how relevant these milestones are to my life or how I want to live it anymore. The beautiful wedding with the flowers, the cake and the perfection isn't important to me as an adult as it was when I was a child. Maybe it's time to let those dreams go in order to be happy with my decisions now. 

My sister said to me awhile ago that she likes the romance of making the decision to be with her partner, the person she wakes up next to. I like that idea, because even when he pisses me off or has kept me awake snoring I choose to be with my partner every single morning. I feel lucky to have met and have him in my life every day. 

So, I suppose my final word on the subject for now is that if it was possible to remove the archaic traditions, extravagance, societal pressure, ridiculous expectations and general bullshit around marriage and weddings then I'd be keen as mustard. But as I'm not sure if it is, I'm not. 

Please Note: If you know me well enough then I won't have to say that the weddings I have been to and will continue to go to in the future have nothing to do with my thoughts on this subject. My love and support for those relationships and people goes far beyond the reasons I myself have against marriage, because it's about my reasons for me, not for them.