Beyond The Cock-shots

I wrote the following piece for a New Zealand 'news' (I use that word here very loosely) site called stuff.co.nz as they'd asked for contributions on the subject of finding love online. It was published but changed without my knowledge or authorisation. They retitled it: 'Finally finding wonderful online', added a stock image of a wanky young couple with equally wanky blurb: "SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT: Why is it so difficult for a modern woman to figure out how to properly romance a man?" That blurb disgusts me on many levels and is completely contradictory to the message I was trying to get across.

I've since written to the editor to try and get it removed although I doubt that will happen. I decided to post it on here so that it could be posted how it was supposed to be read, and so that they get less hits from my friends who might click my link and decide to read it. Hope you enjoy...

BEYOND THE COCK-SHOTS - Geni McCallum

Rob Lowe - 'Parks and Recreation'

I've never had a problem with talking to strangers.

When I was studying and living in central Wellington, some of the most interesting conversations I ever had took place at bus stops, queues for coffee, turbulent airplanes and even within hospital waiting rooms.

When I was younger it sometimes led to me ask someone if they wanted to get coffee sometime, or vice versa, and I met great and not so great people dating that way.

Once I moved back to Christchurch I found it more difficult to meet people, and as I was an already seasoned geek, I naturally gravitated to online dating.

At first it was fun, judging people based on such a tiny bit of information about them, but soon it just felt a bit depressing.

FindSomeone was often full of men and women much older than me, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat. I was more interested in meeting new people and potentially dating them, if we happened to hit it off.

I've noticed that in relation to other countries, we often leave very little time to get to know people before we prematurely jump in the sack with them, and/or label them our significant other. As a woman, dating was often seen as being 'skanky', even though I was very open about it and never led someone on if I felt like it wasn't working out.

I went on quite a few dates, and figured out that a good way to determine whether there was any chemistry between us was to call them up and have a chat.

Gut instincts work incredibly well on this type of dating platform. Personally, if I had always listened to them, I wouldn't have ended up in some of the incredibly dangerous situations that I only narrowly escaped.

If Facebook had been around back then, I probably would have cyber-stalked them a little too, just to feel them out a bit before meeting in public.

I once met a guy who at first seemed really nice, but as soon as I met him I knew I just wasn't attracted to him. I let him know pretty quickly that whilst he seemed like a great guy, I just wasn't feeling it.

He decided to take that as a challenge and proceeded to attempt to 'sell himself up'. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a date with someone who won't shut up about themselves, even after you've tried to say you're not interested in them. Apart perhaps from realising he's following you out the door.

I said goodbye and then he stalked me (while texting me) for a bit, gave up and I walked back to my car, looking backwards every two seconds. Sadly, that's not nearly the dodgiest situation I managed to find myself in, but it's the only one I'm willing to publicly share.

I'd like to note that there will be no victim-shaming or sexist rants here (towards or against either sex). However, it should be understood that not everyone will be who they say they are. Once a guy turned up to meet me - his profile photo was of a completely different person!.

Whether you identify as straight, bi, gay, trans, male, female, or another label, please make sure you meet people in a public place and make a rule to stay there for the first date. It is NOT your fault if something happens to you and you decide to act otherwise, I just know that not everyone will be as lucky as I was to get away safely.

On a more positive note, I met my partner five years ago online.

Bizarrely enough we found each other, wading through the many, many unicorn proposals (a twosome wanting you to complete their threesome), sociopaths (I dated a guy for three months who lived a double life, complete with new-born baby and live-in girlfriend) and general liars on NZDating.

I met someone I never would have dated in real life, someone who turned out to tick all the boxes I never knew I wanted, and un-tick so many of the silly ones I'd naively created for myself over the years.

Despite both the horror stories and generally lovely people, (who mutually just didn't 'click'), I met someone pretty great.

I quickly knew from the insanely cute profile picture of him and his two-year old daughter, long winded, bluntly honest self-description he'd written of himself at 2AM, and effortless five-hour phone call we had before we met.

So while I don't prescribe to 'The ONE' or 'Other Half' mentality, nor do I believe we will necessarily last until one of us is dead (credit Dan Savage), I love and feel lucky to have found and have him in my life.

I discovered my family online, and I will always be grateful for that.

Rollercoasters Make Me Vomit.

I've had these pretty severe mood fluctuations over the last two days. I didn't take my medication and on top of it all, I drank alcohol when I was off them. Not the cleverest one of the bunch really. I'm back on them now but it's pretty amazing at the severe nature those fluctuations take on when I'm amongst them. Afterwards I'm exhausted by the sudden rush of intense emotions I've just gone through and sometimes, when I'm lucky enough to be self-aware at the time, I realise why I had them and that although those thoughts expressed didn't just come from nowhere, it was my condition which took on the rapids of extreme overreaction to it all.

Now that I'm feeling calm and am stable again, I have these bridges to rebuild. The biggest consequence of my actions is loss of trust from someone close to me and that's only if the person you hurt will let you attempt to recover that strength you had together again. I always feel so fucking guilty having people in my life that I am close to. I think that's why two of my strongest friendships are never uprooted because the nature is that we're there when we need each other, normally not on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't just spend time together in happy moments though, I would be completely lost without them in my life. My other friends aren't so lucky. I think Sam (the Chch version) was one of the strongest people I know for being able to get through all our time together, because I was in a really mind bogglingly bad place most of that period.

My close friends will have been pushed away by me on more than one occasion due to my guilt at being so difficult. When I've had an episode, I feel like I don't deserve to have any of them in my life because I don't think I bring anything good to their lives. It will never be that I don't trust them, respect them or need to be validated as their friend, but until I don't bring my shit into every single tiny fucking particle of my life, I will need them to be constantly deciding to be my friend or bow out of the soap opera. In numerous moments I've thought it would be nice to be able to run away from myself. Then again, that would be giving up.

Only I know how different I am now than I was a few years ago as a person but mostly with my condition... in some ways that seems disappointing that no one will ever know how hard I've worked to get to be me right now, but then again I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel like I'll always have so far to go in terms of self-improvement. I want to deserve to be alive and happy.

I will.