Rollercoasters Make Me Vomit.

I've had these pretty severe mood fluctuations over the last two days. I didn't take my medication and on top of it all, I drank alcohol when I was off them. Not the cleverest one of the bunch really. I'm back on them now but it's pretty amazing at the severe nature those fluctuations take on when I'm amongst them. Afterwards I'm exhausted by the sudden rush of intense emotions I've just gone through and sometimes, when I'm lucky enough to be self-aware at the time, I realise why I had them and that although those thoughts expressed didn't just come from nowhere, it was my condition which took on the rapids of extreme overreaction to it all.

Now that I'm feeling calm and am stable again, I have these bridges to rebuild. The biggest consequence of my actions is loss of trust from someone close to me and that's only if the person you hurt will let you attempt to recover that strength you had together again. I always feel so fucking guilty having people in my life that I am close to. I think that's why two of my strongest friendships are never uprooted because the nature is that we're there when we need each other, normally not on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't just spend time together in happy moments though, I would be completely lost without them in my life. My other friends aren't so lucky. I think Sam (the Chch version) was one of the strongest people I know for being able to get through all our time together, because I was in a really mind bogglingly bad place most of that period.

My close friends will have been pushed away by me on more than one occasion due to my guilt at being so difficult. When I've had an episode, I feel like I don't deserve to have any of them in my life because I don't think I bring anything good to their lives. It will never be that I don't trust them, respect them or need to be validated as their friend, but until I don't bring my shit into every single tiny fucking particle of my life, I will need them to be constantly deciding to be my friend or bow out of the soap opera. In numerous moments I've thought it would be nice to be able to run away from myself. Then again, that would be giving up.

Only I know how different I am now than I was a few years ago as a person but mostly with my condition... in some ways that seems disappointing that no one will ever know how hard I've worked to get to be me right now, but then again I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel like I'll always have so far to go in terms of self-improvement. I want to deserve to be alive and happy.

I will.