I am learnding!

After two years of therapy I feel like I know myself pretty well, I know what triggers me off on depressive eppies, I know that I trust people too easily, I know that I've spent most of my life so far, driven by my emotions. I know all this, and yet knowing is the easiest part, actually changing and working towards becoming a more stable/ideal version of myself is proving so challenging in fact that I quite often feel like it'd be easier to not know and therefore not have the ability or choice to change. That feeling when your parents told you they still loved you but didn't love your behaviour? Ten times worse when the disappointment comes from yourself.

I feel like I've become so cynical of myself now. My friends and family frequently try to remind me of how far I've come, especially over the last few years. I'm finally out on my own, have a job where I can see good things happening, have created a semi sort of life for myself here and yet I still feel like I'm messing it all up. The guilt that comes from all that can be so debilitating sometimes that I am too scared to exist in the world outside of my own head. So I sleep, to try and take a break from it all, to try and ignore and forget how I'm sabotaging my own life and relationships, even at that very second in which I'm trying to escape and in turn making it worse.

You can moan and bitch about how you've been given unfair situations to deal with but (and rightly so) no one will be listening. There is a reason why the guilt or disappointment stemming from yourself is so much worse, I think it's a defence mechanism. In the end, no one else cares, because in the end however you've messed up your own life doesn't really truly effect them, if you end up dying and regretting how you lived your life, no one is gong to give a shit but you. And by then it'll be too late.

All very heavy.

I just finished talking to my Dad. I swear he seems to have soaked up life experience in a way that no one else I've ever met has. He seems to be able to understand me even when he has never been in my position, he just gets it straight away. Unless of course he goes straight to his 'male reaction' to problems which tends to be the 'fix it' method. Although, maybe I could learn quite a bit from that type of attitude, it bends less towards the bitching and moaning and is probably more inclined to actually get you somewhere...

I had a point somewhere. It should be like a less exciting version of 'Where's Wally' for you.