No Muff, Too Tuff

I have some weird decisions to make again. Like how I'm gonna pick up the giant, jagged pieces of my old life and how much I feel like spending on yet more glue. I should buy shares in life-holding-together glue. Although, maybe I need to be less frugal and get a better quality one this time so things don't fall apart so easily. Yea, I'll stop with the glue metaphors now. Too much of a good thing...

But seriously, I'm living with my parents again, in a city that I strongly dislike (but seem to be tolerating this time around), with no job, no money (less than no money)... Most of my friends are moving forwards at such a pace, I'm petrified that I'm going to get left behind in this washing basket full of all my dirty problems. I'm constantly told how young I am, how I shouldn't worry so much, but you know what? it's not your freakin life. I'm the one who feels like I get things sorted just to have them fuck up in a new and interesting way (lies, all lies, it's always the same way), yes so woe is me. Poor pathetic me. I swear I feel stagnant. Perhaps it's the Gemini in me that desires change so much. Yea, let's blame it on the date of my birth which means I can really blame it on my parents for having unprotected sex on a certain day, approx 22 years ago.

Then again, blame just makes you feel powerless. That's the point of it right? to shift the responsibility onto something or someone else so you can act like some sort of underdog/victim. I like control, it's the only thing I had in my life and felt like I lost about three years ago, don't know what you've got until it's gone. I had a plan. I'm no longer sure what the point of having a plan is since there are so many uncontrollable variables in peoples lives. I say that, and yet I don't even really believe it. People love to tell others that they're "so lucky" when good things happen to them, I think in some way they say it because they want to truly believe that it wasn't a controllable thing, that they themselves couldn't have achieved the same thing if they'd decided to work for it, shifting the power from them to 'fate' or something. I don't know lucky people. I know people who worked their arses off in shitty jobs, saved, studied, found someone they wanted to be with and stuck with it even when it got hard, and now they're happy. These people have to smile and agree when someone tells them how very lucky they are that they're happy and have achieved something. Anyone who is happy, even for a wee bit knows that there is fuck all fate involved in getting there, that it's about hard work, creating and taking opportunities instead of lying on the couch in their pj's with a bag of cheesy snacks.

And so here I sit, on the couch... even fully clothed and lacking such delicious snacks I can feel my desire to try seeping through my pores, probably landing on the dog and giving her a rash.