The Cradle Snatcher Has Feelings?!

I have Christmas gift issues, my WINZ money hasn't come through yet and that is badddd news. Thank god my parents sent Nina's present from them so early on so she'll still have pressies without mine there. :( I feel like the worst sister ever. I may be on the top ten anyway. Jordan's present is going to be late too I think, I'm pretty sure you can't send something on the Saturday before Christmas and expect it to turn up on time. Damnit. At least I feel safe in the knowledge that they're good presents I guess.

What's going on? Hmm. I'm in a semi-relationship with a friend's little brother which is turning out to be a bit of a mine field to be honest. My friend doesn't approve because I'm 22 and he's 18 and we live so far away from each other, his sister keeps bagging on me all the time, she's also been telling everyone in his little town about our sex-life. I know I wouldn't be as upset about this if I knew that our relationship is difficult enough without someone else making his life harder. So far the easiest thing has been when I'm with him (Jordan, in case I haven't introduced him), cause when I'm with him, it's simple. I'm sure it'll all die down after awhile, just wish it wasn't such a struggle for us now.

In other news, I'm stilllllll looking for a job. Horrah. Eating peaches daily and catching up with Chch friends in preparation for when I go home to Welly.

Merry Christmas if I don't blog before then. :)

Thanks Nightwatchman!

Stole these question from: The Nightwatchman


When was the last time you lied?
About 5 mins ago about what I was doing on the intraweb.

When was the last time you used the word hate?
Today when I told Daniel I hated all boys and he took offense.

What is your most treasured possession?
My iMac, Molly.

Who would play you in the film of your life?
I want Scarlett J, so I'm getting Scarlett J.

What do you owe your parents?
So much I don't even know the sum anymore. :(

What keeps you awake at night?
My fucking mind never shuts the hell up.

How would you like to be remembered?
I don't need to be remembered, I wont be here anymore.

What makes you angry?
Mostly myself.

What would you like to be your last words on earth?
Cheers.

Which living person do you most admire?
I honestly don't know, I don't really admire people much.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself and others?
Being selfish.

What does love feel like?
Every feeling possible, mixed up into a big pot, boiled and served with cabbage.

What's your greatest extravagance?
My bloody phone. I take it back, I love you, you are priceless.

Define beauty.
Pure and positive.

When were you happiest?
The last time I was riding a high.

What super power would you like?
Invisibility.

Favourite smell?
Boys.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Still being alive.

Drugged up and surviving.

Felt like I needed to publish another post so I don't worry people. I'm okay, I'm not that okay but I will be. You know the feeling where you know it's not bottomless, that it'll fade. And I've definitely got the experience in that area.

I think I need to stop listening to myself, I don't make good decisions.

Going to attempt to get a crappy cafe job and just be busy with that for a bit.

Happiness lived in cheesecake.

I'm an idiot. Once an idiot, always an idiot.

I don't seem to learn my lesson.

And here I am, heartbroken again. Spare me the "I told you so's", I'm beating myself up enough for all of you and I'm not asking for any pity. Maybe a little. A sprinkle.

Happiness lives in cheesecake.

So I met someone; Jordan, this incredibly funny, sweet, sexy, wonderful person. I could list so many more mushy adjectives but you might vomit on your computer. I feel so goofy happy all the time, I miss him when I'm not talking to him, I seriously can not get enough of this boy. :) He's even better than cheesecake.

I'll stop all that nonsense now, no one wants to hear about happy people, happy people are boring sods with lack of character. Character being carted round by those of us who live in the real world of debt, unemployment, loneliness and one of those sad McDonald drive-through stickers that clearly indicates our capitalist whorish nature and explains that extra roll of fat around our tummy. Happiness happens in short bursts, with good trips, good sex, good food, good drink and laughs. I used to have that, I used to believe that when I was happy, that it would go away within a few minutes... it had to, but this time I'm basking in it. Marinate even, like those yummy mushrooms my Mum makes.

Truckin down to Chch again tonight because my course was "over-booked" apparently so I might as well work down there and then come back up next year since I needed to come down for Xmas anyways.

So there's the news, all very rose coloured but meh, it's a one in a million positive blog in my arena so you can all suck on it. :P

Sniff, hack, cough.

Yes I'm sick, on my death bed. My last meal being a sugary mini donut. It was worth it.

I'm still trying to decide between living in Christchurch and doing Fine Arts or living in Welly and doing a Bachelor of Design. I've been trying to make that choice for like two years now. A bit pathetic really.

Maybe I should just go and travel again, rack up a student loan when I get back...

I have no idea how people make these decisions, they don't seem to have right or wrong answers.

Bitches.

The Guru

I'm good at advice. Well no, not really advice, I guess I'm good at listening and then seeing something the other person hasn't been able to see themselves. I do it with myself all the time, I know exactly how I could be a better/happier/healthier person and I can talk about it forever but I never seem to move past the thinking and into the doing. It's incredibly frustrating to feel trapped by yourself. We all are to some respect I guess. How we see ourselves, how we choose to be seen by others... I just feel stuck so often in my life.

This isn't a cry for help, I promise. It's more of a thought amongst thoughts that will hopefully one day become an action.

Swwwwishhhhhhh.

I've been thinking about finishing my degree. I could even take on the Summer School course that I need to get done in November if I want to. I went back to the Massey site and downloaded the degree timetable, and plotted the degree out. I actually got excited about it even. I'm still going to look for a job but as much as I'd like it to, I highly doubt that my dream job will fall into my lap and who's kidding who? I'm not going to end up becoming some entrepreneur, I like having guidelines to work around, people to collaborate with or at least bounce ideas off. I like working for someone. My main reasoning though is this: if I want to work in the New York or Paris studios then I need a fucking amazing reel, and to get a fucking amazing reel, I'll need to have a great portfolio and then get work at a great studio in Welly, work here for a few years and develop that fucking amazing reel I know I will one day be capable of. But right now, I need time to learn and motivation to churn out work, and that's what courses at Uni are really. If we could all do research on our own and develop our own educations independently then we would but most of us can't. Now that I'm stabilised and generally happy and confident, I know I could do the Uni thing. It's funny how scared I was at failing for so long after being pulled out... but now I don't see any of it as a failure, it was just what happened and what I got through to be here now. Nothing to be ashamed of. :)

I've had a really nasty sore throat for about a week now which has been rather shite but meh, that's life. Rather that than most other ailments eh?

I know I've been a bit lack luster on the whole friends part of my life lately, but I'm starting to feel more myself again, more in control of what I'm doing and where I want to go, if that makes any sense. So I will be in contact soon you lovely people. :P

Numerous bear hugs and smooches from me to you.

Disappointment.

I slept with a close friend of mine on Friday, turns out I do sleep with all my male friends. Matt was right. No regrets there though, it was going to happen at some stage and now it's all over. Time to move past that series of disasters. Hurts though.

That's The Way We Get By.

Saturday.

Listening to music, bumming round on the net, talking to Jared, wearing no socks (because it's finally warm enough that I can!), thinking, drinking White Russians, thinking about what I'll cook for dinner, trying to decide whether I can be bothered up-keeping the Brazilian, thinking about getting a carrot from the fridge...

And that was only the afternoon's many activities.

Going, Going, Gone.

It seems pretty amazing to me that I can withstand so much pain from relationships without somehow passing out. I think I have a pretty high pain threshold I guess.

This guy I liked, he isn't in the place where he wants a relationships right now. Where is this place? I'd like to find this illusive place where the guy I like does want to be in a relationship, google map search it and set up my fucking base camp there. This 'place' and these 'ex girlfriends', both of which I've never even seen, seem to have this incredible power to control into the future and fuck up my potential relationships with these possibly very nice guys. I'm really fucking sick of it. I'm sick of having to deal with other people's past mistakes which somehow get passed onto me to deal with. Fuck it sucks. I really liked him too. In the end though, no matter how honest I know they're being, I'll never be able to believe that if I was the 'right' girl for them then none of those problems would be issue enough to not give me a chance. Why don't I come across as the kind of girl you should take a risk on? :(

My Dad broke up with his girlfriend to ask my Mum out. The 'right' girls do exist.

Look at me, I have potential, now watch it run down the toilet.

The Love Affair Continues

I arrived back in Wellers yesterday and I've spent the entire day in the city just soaking it back up again. It's been such a beautiful day, I feel so good, light is shining out my arse. I swear, I looked.

Oh dear god, a woman just walked by me with lime green 'Crocs' on. If that didn't ruin my mood then nothing can.

So as per usual, when there isn't much bad stuff going on, I don't have much to say. I left Chch, I actually had the balls to do some goodbyes this time. Felt really good though. Harder to leave, but felt right. I've already met up with a few friends, staying with Mark and Jax in Paraparaumu, I'm so freaking lucky to have them.

Wow I'm boring when I'm happy. Damn.

Rollercoasters Make Me Vomit.

I've had these pretty severe mood fluctuations over the last two days. I didn't take my medication and on top of it all, I drank alcohol when I was off them. Not the cleverest one of the bunch really. I'm back on them now but it's pretty amazing at the severe nature those fluctuations take on when I'm amongst them. Afterwards I'm exhausted by the sudden rush of intense emotions I've just gone through and sometimes, when I'm lucky enough to be self-aware at the time, I realise why I had them and that although those thoughts expressed didn't just come from nowhere, it was my condition which took on the rapids of extreme overreaction to it all.

Now that I'm feeling calm and am stable again, I have these bridges to rebuild. The biggest consequence of my actions is loss of trust from someone close to me and that's only if the person you hurt will let you attempt to recover that strength you had together again. I always feel so fucking guilty having people in my life that I am close to. I think that's why two of my strongest friendships are never uprooted because the nature is that we're there when we need each other, normally not on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't just spend time together in happy moments though, I would be completely lost without them in my life. My other friends aren't so lucky. I think Sam (the Chch version) was one of the strongest people I know for being able to get through all our time together, because I was in a really mind bogglingly bad place most of that period.

My close friends will have been pushed away by me on more than one occasion due to my guilt at being so difficult. When I've had an episode, I feel like I don't deserve to have any of them in my life because I don't think I bring anything good to their lives. It will never be that I don't trust them, respect them or need to be validated as their friend, but until I don't bring my shit into every single tiny fucking particle of my life, I will need them to be constantly deciding to be my friend or bow out of the soap opera. In numerous moments I've thought it would be nice to be able to run away from myself. Then again, that would be giving up.

Only I know how different I am now than I was a few years ago as a person but mostly with my condition... in some ways that seems disappointing that no one will ever know how hard I've worked to get to be me right now, but then again I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel like I'll always have so far to go in terms of self-improvement. I want to deserve to be alive and happy.

I will.

Even Angels Fall.

Sometimes, just sometimes I am knocked from my pedal-stool way up there in the clouds and make a mistake. I think because of the fall being from so high, the mistake always ends up making a big imprint of my body in the dirt, on the ground when it lands. Ugh.

I drank a bit and words came out my mouth at an alarming speed. In other words I acted like a total bitch to a friend of mine. The hang-over has begun before it even had the chance to physically start. On the bright side, I'm still drunk enough to go upstairs with the laptop and gorge in terrible girly movies till I drift asleep into the deep slumber only booze can give you.

Look out Tuesday here I come.

I Think That Skirt Looks Nice On You

I'm leaving on a jet plane. Wait, is a jet plane just a normal commercial plane or like some type of plane... like those ones with the propeller thingies on the sides? Are those things called jets? I'm pretty sure jets are those big powerful looking bits on the sides, by the wings, the ones that I always imagine lots of unlucky birds get pulled into, only to be shredded within seconds and recycled into fish food or something. Anyway, my point is that I'm leaving. On a plane. Next Tuesday back home to Wellington. Not that I really have much of a home there anymore. I'm going to look for work while I'm over there, been told I should go for a temp job while I'm looking for a more permanent job, so that's what I'm doing. :) Horrah! Goodbye, bland, nasty frickin Chch.

Obviously to make this decision, I've been feeling really good in general. Finally feeling normal for long periods of time. *huge sigh of relief*. Oooooh I get to see my friends again! Fuck yea. :) I get to bathe in the city once more. All is well.

Clucky.

I've got most of my photo albums on here.
but here....:


My cousins had their second child yesterday, so I present Ryan McCallum to the scary and messed up Intraweb world. :)

It's my tops that are slutty, not me.

I'm killin time whilst my puter takes her sweet time to burn a DVD of some misc shows I have yet to see (I swear she has caught me cheating on her with Mum's laptop and is now punishing me with slowness).

Today I slept, got my new pills (which have a very attractive shiny, purple box which almost blinded me to the fact that my Dr has prescribed me twice the dosage I was previously taking, with larger purple pills now), ate half an avocado (because I'm storing up on foods I can't afford when I'm not living with my parents :P), picked up Sam's cam so I can do my audition for the TV presenter job I want, drank some tea, listened to music and pretended (I'm not a very good pretender though) that I was actually interested in the trailer my parents bought today.

May tomorrow be just as exhilerating as today.

Job? Um... job?!

As of late I've become a true intraweb whore. I'm currently listed on Facebook. YouTube, Names Database, OldFriends, Blogger, Bebo, MySpace and Sticam, not to mention that I Vlog, Blog and have my website. I'm not even sure how I've managed to accrue so many memberships, oh wait yes I do. Welcome to the land of unemployment, where drinking milk from the carton and watching the US Open with Dad are necessary ploys to get me through the day. Why do the unemployed sleep in so long? So the days are shorter and they can stay up later with their employed friends when they get home from work. The days of the week are luxuries I feel are best swapped for White Russians after four.

After a few weeks of this, I want out. Feel free to employ my mentally unstable arse and I. She does charge by the hour though.

Me Geni.

I feel hopeless.

No Muff, Too Tuff

I have some weird decisions to make again. Like how I'm gonna pick up the giant, jagged pieces of my old life and how much I feel like spending on yet more glue. I should buy shares in life-holding-together glue. Although, maybe I need to be less frugal and get a better quality one this time so things don't fall apart so easily. Yea, I'll stop with the glue metaphors now. Too much of a good thing...

But seriously, I'm living with my parents again, in a city that I strongly dislike (but seem to be tolerating this time around), with no job, no money (less than no money)... Most of my friends are moving forwards at such a pace, I'm petrified that I'm going to get left behind in this washing basket full of all my dirty problems. I'm constantly told how young I am, how I shouldn't worry so much, but you know what? it's not your freakin life. I'm the one who feels like I get things sorted just to have them fuck up in a new and interesting way (lies, all lies, it's always the same way), yes so woe is me. Poor pathetic me. I swear I feel stagnant. Perhaps it's the Gemini in me that desires change so much. Yea, let's blame it on the date of my birth which means I can really blame it on my parents for having unprotected sex on a certain day, approx 22 years ago.

Then again, blame just makes you feel powerless. That's the point of it right? to shift the responsibility onto something or someone else so you can act like some sort of underdog/victim. I like control, it's the only thing I had in my life and felt like I lost about three years ago, don't know what you've got until it's gone. I had a plan. I'm no longer sure what the point of having a plan is since there are so many uncontrollable variables in peoples lives. I say that, and yet I don't even really believe it. People love to tell others that they're "so lucky" when good things happen to them, I think in some way they say it because they want to truly believe that it wasn't a controllable thing, that they themselves couldn't have achieved the same thing if they'd decided to work for it, shifting the power from them to 'fate' or something. I don't know lucky people. I know people who worked their arses off in shitty jobs, saved, studied, found someone they wanted to be with and stuck with it even when it got hard, and now they're happy. These people have to smile and agree when someone tells them how very lucky they are that they're happy and have achieved something. Anyone who is happy, even for a wee bit knows that there is fuck all fate involved in getting there, that it's about hard work, creating and taking opportunities instead of lying on the couch in their pj's with a bag of cheesy snacks.

And so here I sit, on the couch... even fully clothed and lacking such delicious snacks I can feel my desire to try seeping through my pores, probably landing on the dog and giving her a rash.

Balls of Steel.

Catching a plane in an hour, back to Wellers to get the rest of my shite and return speedily later this evening.

I'd rather go back to bed.

With a shake of salt.

Before I start ranting on about my problems, I just wanted to note that I've been pretty happy the last few days and am feeling like I'm moving forwards again. I know most of my posts turn out to have quite a low tone to them but I guess tis the nature of the beast (the best being me).

It's always easier to write about the negative stuff (because I want to sort it out and hopefully one day get through the large list of unhappies in my life), it's far more difficult to write about the good stuff going on. I spend most of my days talking to people who ask how I am, and to most of them (because that's all they're really wanting to hear) I come across as being rather optimistic about it all. So for me, my Blog is here to let me vent the other stuff, the silly reasons why I don't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about how I have more paperwork to send to IRD and the numerous troublesome Sams in my life which I obsess over. I think I've said it somewhere in a previous post but basically, if you're reading this then don't assume this is it, this is me, take it with a grain of salt because it's merely a moment I've trapped here on the Intranet, cropped and just as possibly distorted as a digital photo.

And now that I've typed all that, I can't be bothered typing anymore of what I was going to talk about. My concentration level has gone to shit today from having gotten home this morning at 6:30am. :S

Will do, not try to do.

My Ruby was a force to be reckoned with today. I think everyone should have someone to talk to who makes them feel this empowered once a week. Fate becomes the consequence of your own choices and excuses/other bullshit is banned from the room. I don't always feel great after talking to her, there have been numerous occasions where I end up feeling like my energy has been sucked from my body via cognitive therapy. The idea being that your emotions are a direct result of your thought process', which in turn means that you theoretically should be able to control your own general happiness by thinking in the right ways. I agree to an extent but then again, the condition I have makes it somewhat impossible to control my thought process' at times, but the better I get at training myself a certain way, the more likely it is that one day I'll be a functioning, stable person without all the drugs.

Yuss!

Own worst enemy.

I swear, it's just ridiculous how one person can make so many mistakes and learn so little from them. Just in case you weren't aware of them, here is a list of some of my train wrecks (most of which I've drunkenly crashed on more than one occasion):

1. Slept with/hit on/made-out with a close friend and therefore ruined the friendship.
   
2. Slept with/hit on/made-out with someone when I knew it'd end in tragedy.
3. Slept with/hit on/made-out with a guy who was 70% average, 20% hot accent and 10% lucky he bumped into a lady with such a strong accent fetish.
4. Eaten to distract myself from pain.
5. Been overly honest with someone I was in a relationship with and scared them the fuck away (yes, as in running far, far away into the nearest horizon).
6. Been overly honest, let down my armor (given, I think mine is made of tin-foil anyway) and been severely, emotionally butt raped.
7. Loved someone so much that I forgot to love myself.
8. Cut people off in my life because I felt guilty for being such a huge drain on them when really I should have let them take care of themselves and at least respected them enough to let them make their own choice whether to be in my life or not.
9. Talked about change and never had the balls to act on it.
   
10. Written lists like this to distance myself from my own problems and therefore not actually positively participate in my life...

That turned out depressing. Perhaps because I just ate half a litre of Hokey-Pokey ice cream and sat here feeling pathetic for most of the night, except when I was doing one or more of the items on the list above.

Dead and buried.

I haven't typed in awhile because I really haven't had all that much to type about, which in my eyes is a pretty grand thing because it means I've had a lacking of drama in my life for once. Hurrah!

If you've seen or read 'About A Boy' you'll remember how he said having no job made him boring to talk to since new acquaintances always ask you what you do, to which his answer would have to be "um... nothing really". I have inevitably (it was only a matter of time really) become Hugh Grant but with 14D breasts and less like a turkey around the neck. I have no news as nothing in my life is changing, I have no stories because I currently live with a early middle-aged couple who are amazing but think it's fun to talk about other people's houses and gardens. They are very wrong.

So understandably it's hard to just sit around waiting to see if this new medication will work. I want to be independent again and leave this freakin nest for good. It's also a bit difficult to be living where I am as there are these hideous constant reminders of my disastrous past relationship everywhere I go. Unless you're planning on never leaving the person you're with then I'd refrain from having memorable moments with them, steer clear of any music, never go to the same cafe or restaurant more than once with them, in fact eat at home with them but only at their house... if you really want to protect yourself from future pain, make sure they live somewhere really remote, only ever see them there and once you've broken up, hit them on the head with a shovel and bury them there too.

Be good, live long and prosperous.

Lines.

I don't fit in very easily, I never have. Apparently I was an eccentric kid, hence why I had few friends and spent most lunch-times behind the school boiler room, sitting and watching the boy I liked play soccer.

Strike three.

So I'm in Chch, my parents bought me a ticket as soon as I called them and here I sit, on Mum's laptop in the office.

As shite as I was feeling yesterday I had to make a decision; either wallow and let it just take me over or take it and move pass it. So I cried for many hours, managed to get my arse on the plane whilst being in shock of some sort and today I feel good. I hate that I feel embarrassed, ashamed and disapointed in myself but I still do. I'll get past this and go back to Wellington once I've changed my medications and talked to my counciler here and feel ready to face the real world again. Right now though, I'm a bit fragile and I don't think I'd manage to survive another hit (although I am continually surprising myself in that respect) so I'm taking the cuddles, my Izzy, Mokey and my friends here in the idea that this is a break from life.

I miss everyone from work, it really sucks and I think my plant will probably die. :( Meh. such is life.

I am learnding!

After two years of therapy I feel like I know myself pretty well, I know what triggers me off on depressive eppies, I know that I trust people too easily, I know that I've spent most of my life so far, driven by my emotions. I know all this, and yet knowing is the easiest part, actually changing and working towards becoming a more stable/ideal version of myself is proving so challenging in fact that I quite often feel like it'd be easier to not know and therefore not have the ability or choice to change. That feeling when your parents told you they still loved you but didn't love your behaviour? Ten times worse when the disappointment comes from yourself.

I feel like I've become so cynical of myself now. My friends and family frequently try to remind me of how far I've come, especially over the last few years. I'm finally out on my own, have a job where I can see good things happening, have created a semi sort of life for myself here and yet I still feel like I'm messing it all up. The guilt that comes from all that can be so debilitating sometimes that I am too scared to exist in the world outside of my own head. So I sleep, to try and take a break from it all, to try and ignore and forget how I'm sabotaging my own life and relationships, even at that very second in which I'm trying to escape and in turn making it worse.

You can moan and bitch about how you've been given unfair situations to deal with but (and rightly so) no one will be listening. There is a reason why the guilt or disappointment stemming from yourself is so much worse, I think it's a defence mechanism. In the end, no one else cares, because in the end however you've messed up your own life doesn't really truly effect them, if you end up dying and regretting how you lived your life, no one is gong to give a shit but you. And by then it'll be too late.

All very heavy.

I just finished talking to my Dad. I swear he seems to have soaked up life experience in a way that no one else I've ever met has. He seems to be able to understand me even when he has never been in my position, he just gets it straight away. Unless of course he goes straight to his 'male reaction' to problems which tends to be the 'fix it' method. Although, maybe I could learn quite a bit from that type of attitude, it bends less towards the bitching and moaning and is probably more inclined to actually get you somewhere...

I had a point somewhere. It should be like a less exciting version of 'Where's Wally' for you.

Let it go.

As I said in the last post, I tend to be the last one still fighting for something or someone even once everyone else has gone home, I'm standing in the dark, mumbling and groping around trying to find whatever I was hanging onto, even when I've forgotten why I was holding onto it in the first place. One step at a time right? Being stubborn is hardly ever an endearing trait and even then, I think you'd have to be a fuzzy bunny or something to get away with it. So I'm leaving some things behind. Some traits, some people that I never really let go of and some old feelings that have been festering away in my mind for way too long. *Poof*

No that wasn't a cleverly masked fart. It was the sound of me letting things go.

And with that, I shall exit.

Audrey Is A Stone Cold Fox.

I've been lying in bed looking at/trying to orgainze all the photos I've got on my puter. It's always a funny feeling you get from old photo albums, well lots of different feelings anyway. I've laughed, I've cried, it's like a fantastic movie that somehow tires you out by the end. So I wont be doing that again for awhile.

Master Of My Domain

Not sure what relevance my title will have to the post but meh. Just waiting for one of the hosts to be fixed so I can work again...

Mr Anonymous is rather opinionated isn't he? Wants to know if I'm 'over' a certain someone. Answer being... uh kindof. I don't 'get over' people very easily, I need some sortof adhesive remover which tends to come in the form of many many months of cold-hearted rejection. Unfortunately, the guys I do seem to fall over tend to be quite nice and therefore they're not very good at cruelty, they prefer to be 'nice guys' who basically end up doing the exact same things as 'nasty guys' but they take longer to do it and the whole process ends with you not being able to be angry at them because they've somehow managed to hurt you in an extreme sport round-about way. Nice guys = highly overrated.

Soooo no I wont be throwing myself at a certain someone ever again but I'm still at the stupid stage that if he turned around and professed his undying love for me with a moderately sized string accompaniment, I wouldn't exactly walk away with my dignity. In fact, I've now come to the conclusion that with most boys, all of my dignity seems to slunk away in fear. Hence the well meaning 'Manbargo' is back in full force. I've already had to use it! Last night in fact when I was messaged by the other other Sam who propositioned me. As highly sexed as I may be though, I decided against the third Sam. That name seems to bring me and my aforementioned dignity, nothin but troubles. And I'm tryin to get rid of my troubles, again at a moderate pace.

Back is healing pretty well, still sore as I sit here but I'm happy with throbbing pain as opposed to the past 'unable-to-sit-down-pain'. Nina went home, left me feeling family charged but a wee bit sad as well. It's hard having one of your best friends so far away. In fact... most of my closest friends are far away now. Sam and Ange in Chch, Soph in Holland, Nina in Melbourne... I've got some pretty above-average friends here too though so I shouldn't complain. :)

Decided I'm going to stop thinking about and actually take some photos. I miss doing creative stuff for myself. The lazy in me is such a strong force.

Also going to try and get back the 'Skinny Girl' hiding somewhere inside of me. Nina and I came up with the theory that 'Fat Girl' ate her and I'm going to try and get her to emerge from the depths of 'Fat Girl's' tummy.

Long post, hope all will be forgiven.

Robots In Disguise.

My present from Murray:

I want Jet planes.

Yum. How good would it be to have an entire bag of Jet planes in front of me right now? Pretty good really.

I couldn't go to work today because I am unable to sit down yet, so I'm stuck at home reading HP and feeling sorry for myself. Nina has gone out to splore some more and I'm thinking about meetin her but I'll feel bad because I'm not at work cause I'm sick..but I'm not really sick, I just can't sit down. Hmmm..

I can't really afford to take more time off work..

Those Jet planes would be rather fabulous right about now.

Ouch.

Congrats, you are no longer at the wrong page if you're reading this cause I decided to come back and revive this blog. The other one at my site will be closed soonish as I don't think it's a particularly fantastic idea to write all my crazy right next to my portfolio that I link prospective clients to. Funny that. Also thinking about stopping the whole vlog thing too..not sure yet.

Anyways, I'm currently lying sideways on the couch, trying not to lean on my stupid back. My stupid back was growing gross things inside it just for the hell of it, and today I fought back with a creepy surgeon and his scary knives and chimney cleaners.. It hurts. Didn't hurt before because he stuck some lovely needles into it..but now that I've woken up from a lovely nap I'm all ouchies and it blows.

Nina and Mum have been here with me, I think mainly because they thought I might top myself earlier this week. I didn't though.

Whoa.

If you're reading this, you are at the wrong page. Go here. Or copy and paste this: http://genimccallum.com

Churs.

Friday

It's Friday. Day of all days. Raining and cold. Waiting for someone to say that it's time to start office drinks so I can glug some beer and play pool.

Wouldn't it be great if pain just magically disappeared? Yes it would. I really really don't want to go to the Dr again, it costs money and I don't like him feeling my back up. Tis the weekend now though, so I'll bed myself and snuggle my pillow..

I've been trying to become addicted to 'you tube' but it's not going so well. I may have to go back to CIV 4.. or perhaps get a life outside of my computer. I vlogged a few times, and yea it's fun to do but I think I enjoy typing more. In a weird way it feels more personal than taping myself. More comfortable anyways.

I'm trying to get my business advertised at little cost. Actually no cost since I'm quite incredibly poor at the moment. So my site will be up on the 'Yellow Pages' in a few days (the site) and will be listed in the next book. Hopefully this will get me out of my rut. I think I may need something more like a giant, super duper forklift to wrench me out of my terrible money woes actually. At least it's not credit card related. W00t.

Ok, be good. x

So cold I'm warm.

Outstanding.

I heart sleep.

I have had the BEST weekend. Drank a few beers at office drinks on Friday and they hit me big time, (I only realised afterwards that that's probably why they tell you not to drink on anti biotics, anit d's and heavy pain meds, and yet I think that's also why you should!) and so I played the pool, said some silly things, even had Daniel worried about me which is pretty crazy since he's a major party boy. Ended up being shouted dinner again by a workmate who earns a little over double what I make which makes it very easy to accept free food and drink. Went home and slept.

Woke up and slept.

Then Joe asked me out to go to some gig at Southern Cross so I agreed, got there and it didn't start till later so he took me to this cafe where they had about five gigs, one after the other and then played some 'Flight of The Concords'. It was an incredible line-up actually, a jazz band, then some incredible acoustic guitar acts. I was swooning. Well not towards Joe but anyone who looks that passionate about something, that intense, becomes incredibly attractive in my books. So ended up chatting with a few of the musicians, then moved on to Daniel's party while they all buggered off to go busk in CP.

Got to the party and fuck it was cool. I've never been to such a good party, there were so many interesting people to talk to, then a band went up and played for a bit, then someone DJ'd for a bit. Twas very very nice. Had a few beers, ended up talking to this group of guys, one in particular then Sam came so I got up to say hello cause I'm a big loser (Sam's the one I've got a crush on), went to go sit back down and "Hello skanky" some girl had taken my place and was attempting to feel up the guy I was talking to before. He did however back away from her. Talked to quite a few more people, a Norwegian guy who I swear sounded freakin Irish, another guy who harassed me, followed me around and didn't leave me alone until he got into a fight with some other guy. He was gross. Then I ended up chatting to a British guy who was very cute and no-bullshit. Ended up leaving to go meet Sam and his friend at the Bristol after they'd been losers watching the Rugby and so left without taking it any further with the Brit.

Was kinda nice to just have all these great conversations with people and not just hop into bed with them. Although, if I meet the Brit again, I think there might be some extensive kissing time to be had.

And been sleepin most of today. :)

Was probably borin to listen to but was one of my best weekends ever.

Messing things up is my new special power.

Ever just been so ashamed of how you've been acting? I have a crush on my friend, I know he is attracted to me too but he wont be with me because cares too much about our friendship basically. Which I find pretty admirable, that someone would care enough about me to not want to screw it all up. But that's the thing, I don't see it as screwing everything up. I see it as getting closer to him and just adding to our friendship a whole new great thing. I know it could end badly, it could also be really amazing...I just wish he wanted to take that risk with me.

So here I am, been acting in true me fashion, as a total spaz to him over the last few days. Over-thinking, complete mood swings..all round crazy bitch behaviour. Not exactly going to make him decide to change his mind and choose me. Oh yea, cause now it is a choose situation as he's got a date right now, a date with someone who when he met her, he grinned like a crazy on the way home. If I was a good person, if I truly cared about him then I would want him to be happy, suck it up and just be his friend again. I'm not a good person. I want him, I'm jealous of this girl I've never met that makes him happy and I just want to be the girl who does that.

I want to end up with the great guy for once. And he is. He's great.

What The Fuck?!

I might have to get surgery on my back.

One of my friends has basically just called me a whore via text because I like him, he likes me and he is a big coward.

I broke my beautiful manbargo by sleeping with a guy who yelled at me a few weeks ago.

I am paying $25 to get my eyebrows looking normal again.

My rockin, 'Glow Worm, Tequila Palooza' is now ruined because of above cowardly friend who is afraid of me trying to seduce him.

The Cary Brothers CD I bought online freezes my computer when inserted.

My back is killing me.

The Jelly Tip ice cream upstairs is calling to me..

Manbargos freakin pull.

I'm waiting on the server at work to get fixed so I might as well waste some time on here.

Exciting day really, went to the Dr, got many many heavy pain-killer drugs, been referred to the hospital to see if I need surgery on my back, was told I could smoke pot by my Dr, love my new Dr, he is cool. My desk now looks like a pharmacy.

Only a few of our heaters are working in our office so everyone is wearing hobo gloves because trying to type with real gloves is fruitless. Amusing to watch though.

I shall go home and sleep a lovely doped up sleep of someone who can't feel any pain.

My beat is incorrect.

I'm bed ridden and pissy. My piece of arse back has crapped out on me again and I have no pain-killers to dull everything. I thought about taking my anti-d's in double dossage and just seein what would happen, but thought better of playin round with my mental health as well. Bah. Sensible people don't get laid.

Am well into my manbargo, no more casual foolin round or dates with guys I keep comparing to my ex, and great friends who I've known for years and have suddenly decided to have a major jones for. A sailors life for me. Although, apparently that doesn't stop me from getting unwanted advances from lady friends.. I want a t-shirt: If I wanted you I would've jumped you already so leave me alone.

I've missed writing on here. I guess I stopped because I wanted change, but I've gotten that and I think it's possible to be a geeky blogger AND live a new improved life. I'm probably wrong.