It sounds completely ridiculous and really it is. I decided at an early age that my older sister (by 4 years) was the smart and pretty one so I would have to find another niche. It turned out that mine just involved gradually getting fat, lazy, angry, bitchy, mean, loud, opinionated and very rarely turning up to class. When I did turn up, I really needn't have bothered as I managed to get myself in far more trouble being there than not.
I managed to create a sad reality where I was the victim, my sister the perfect heroine and to try at anything wasn't an option I even considered. Then I was given the choice to essentially be kicked out of school or go overseas by myself for a year as an exchange student. So that's what I did and after that year was over, I was traumatized into a much better (or at least less pathetic) human being.
Nevertheless, I still to this day live in constant fear of my potential. I was told so often by teachers and parents that I was absolutely brimming with the stuff but that my attitude got in the way of utilizing it. I think Dylan Moran's sketch on potential is hilarious and true. If you never go near your potential then you can live in the hopes that it could actually be a palace, filled with glorious snobby women, faffing around but what if you went to use it and it turned out it was just a sad little kitten, sniveling in a dark, cold corner?
I've been fat for more than half my life, longer than I've been crazy even (well diagnosed at least, who can really even pinpoint the beginnings of crazy?). Now that I'm well on the way to not being that version of myself (16 kilos less and counting), I'm proud of my efforts but petrified of what I might be when that fat suit is removed. What will be left?
I don't have expectations of a sudden modeling career blossoming into existence, I simply fear attaining my first massively important life goal ever. I've never done that before, apart from working to get into Fine Arts School, my goals have felt so unattainable and therefore at a safe and acceptably far away distance.
So what happens when you achieve something you thought was impossible for yourself? I'm almost halfway through finishing my study so that at least feels like it's at a comfortable distance still. Most of my life aspirations were sabotaged by my mental illness for such a long period of my life but these past 4 years of relative mental stability have opened up doors for me that I thought were locked to me forever. All the professionals had advised me that I would forever be on heavy mood stabilizing and mood lifting drugs, that my life would always feel either numb or powerfully intense (without medication) and thus inhospitable for 'normal' life. I gave up on having a career that I could care about, a person I could fall in love with, children I could connect to, because to have those things I would have to be on those drugs and when I was on them I couldn't feel passion or true feeling for anything.
So, with a shit-ton of therapy, an incredibly supportive family (beyond supportive really) and a partner who risked his heart with a crazy person, I have the life I gave up on a long time ago, without the meds. The insane thing is that I'm really fucking happy and yet still scared shitless of getting cocky, reaching too high and screwing it all up. Deep down I still feel that if you never really try or care enough about anything then you can never truly fail or lose it all.
