I Ran For Three Minutes Today.

Four days ago I was set to run, then I didn't. Today however, I ran for a total of three minutes and walked for twenty. I bought a holder for my iPhone, planned a route for where I would go and downloaded an App called C25K (which btw is way too much for me, so maybe it's 'Couch-2-5ks-If-You've-Been-Sitting-On-The-Couch-In-Between-Running-Around-The-Living-Room') and started down the drive this morning. Then I got this weird pain in the sides of my lower legs and ankles which decided to radiate and in the end I could barely walk back let alone keep running.

It's quite probable that running with this much weight was too much for my poor little tendons. I'm assuming that that's it since google keeps telling me that those symptoms mean I've been pushing myself too hard and too often, laughable since it began about thirty seconds into jogging. So foiled by my fat suit once again I've decided that for the first time in my life, that's not going to stop me. I'm going to change my shoes to something more supportive and begin 'power-walking' on Thursday and see where that takes me. God I hate power-walkers... So in spite of my head telling me I should take it 'as a sign' and just eat those vanilla cupcakes instead I'm going to choose to become one of those people, those silly looking power-walkers.

Maybe I'll have to buy a whole new running outfit to make myself feel better...

I Am Fat (if you try to tell me otherwise I will sit on you to death).

Instead of telling you my weight I'll tell you my BMI is 30.5 (clinically obese). I'm a very tall person, with big boobs, no arse and no hips but a large belly in-between. I also have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome), am Insulin Resistant (pre-diabetic) and am a recovering Compulsive Binge Eater.

So those are the stats that I'm working with here, not that they actually mean a lot when put them in a list like that. It's a lot like the total of your student loan, it's there, you're aware of it, you fear it's wrath but it's not actually sitting next to you on the bus. Or if it is then it's that smelly guy with the beanie who you hope won't talk to you. 

I always thought that my Bipolar would be my 'undoing' but it turns out that my weight is the lurking threat that I have only recently had the courage to look at. Before I was able to be drug-free and mostly mentally stable, I was in survival mode and often my biggest real goal of the day was getting out of bed and into the shower. 

I feel like I wake up every day of my life inside a fat suit. I'll take this opportunity to say that, yes I know I'm not massive (I've been told most of my life that I'm not "that big", thanks to genetics I look okay but feel heavy and sluggish) and plenty of people have it much, much worse. However, I'm still going to complain and that is my right. Once you tip the scale to 'obesity' on the BMI I think the one thing you do get to do is label yourself as fat without people telling you you're not "that big". They mean well but honestly, the only thing it makes me feel is guilty for expressing how I feel, which as far as I'm concerned is the most important part. 

Tomorrow I am starting the 'Couch to 5k' program. Partly because I like the idea of commiting to just three days a week but mostly because I don't want to die of diabetes or whatever horror my Doctor wants to warn me about next.

I am terrified. Not of the health warnings but of the running part. I take quiet pride in my successful attempts to avert P.E in school (the best one was my manipulation of the heart scan I had to get when I was 15 for a heart murmur, that I turned into a full year of not being 'able' to run). Any exercise freaks me out, I feel like everyone is staring at me but most of all I fear failing myself once again in an attempt to create a healthier version of me. 

Wish me luck. I'm not kidding myself, I wrote this mainly so I don't have the gaul to chicken out tomorrow.