Beyond The Cock-shots

I wrote the following piece for a New Zealand 'news' (I use that word here very loosely) site called stuff.co.nz as they'd asked for contributions on the subject of finding love online. It was published but changed without my knowledge or authorisation. They retitled it: 'Finally finding wonderful online', added a stock image of a wanky young couple with equally wanky blurb: "SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT: Why is it so difficult for a modern woman to figure out how to properly romance a man?" That blurb disgusts me on many levels and is completely contradictory to the message I was trying to get across.

I've since written to the editor to try and get it removed although I doubt that will happen. I decided to post it on here so that it could be posted how it was supposed to be read, and so that they get less hits from my friends who might click my link and decide to read it. Hope you enjoy...

BEYOND THE COCK-SHOTS - Geni McCallum

Rob Lowe - 'Parks and Recreation'

I've never had a problem with talking to strangers.

When I was studying and living in central Wellington, some of the most interesting conversations I ever had took place at bus stops, queues for coffee, turbulent airplanes and even within hospital waiting rooms.

When I was younger it sometimes led to me ask someone if they wanted to get coffee sometime, or vice versa, and I met great and not so great people dating that way.

Once I moved back to Christchurch I found it more difficult to meet people, and as I was an already seasoned geek, I naturally gravitated to online dating.

At first it was fun, judging people based on such a tiny bit of information about them, but soon it just felt a bit depressing.

FindSomeone was often full of men and women much older than me, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat. I was more interested in meeting new people and potentially dating them, if we happened to hit it off.

I've noticed that in relation to other countries, we often leave very little time to get to know people before we prematurely jump in the sack with them, and/or label them our significant other. As a woman, dating was often seen as being 'skanky', even though I was very open about it and never led someone on if I felt like it wasn't working out.

I went on quite a few dates, and figured out that a good way to determine whether there was any chemistry between us was to call them up and have a chat.

Gut instincts work incredibly well on this type of dating platform. Personally, if I had always listened to them, I wouldn't have ended up in some of the incredibly dangerous situations that I only narrowly escaped.

If Facebook had been around back then, I probably would have cyber-stalked them a little too, just to feel them out a bit before meeting in public.

I once met a guy who at first seemed really nice, but as soon as I met him I knew I just wasn't attracted to him. I let him know pretty quickly that whilst he seemed like a great guy, I just wasn't feeling it.

He decided to take that as a challenge and proceeded to attempt to 'sell himself up'. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a date with someone who won't shut up about themselves, even after you've tried to say you're not interested in them. Apart perhaps from realising he's following you out the door.

I said goodbye and then he stalked me (while texting me) for a bit, gave up and I walked back to my car, looking backwards every two seconds. Sadly, that's not nearly the dodgiest situation I managed to find myself in, but it's the only one I'm willing to publicly share.

I'd like to note that there will be no victim-shaming or sexist rants here (towards or against either sex). However, it should be understood that not everyone will be who they say they are. Once a guy turned up to meet me - his profile photo was of a completely different person!.

Whether you identify as straight, bi, gay, trans, male, female, or another label, please make sure you meet people in a public place and make a rule to stay there for the first date. It is NOT your fault if something happens to you and you decide to act otherwise, I just know that not everyone will be as lucky as I was to get away safely.

On a more positive note, I met my partner five years ago online.

Bizarrely enough we found each other, wading through the many, many unicorn proposals (a twosome wanting you to complete their threesome), sociopaths (I dated a guy for three months who lived a double life, complete with new-born baby and live-in girlfriend) and general liars on NZDating.

I met someone I never would have dated in real life, someone who turned out to tick all the boxes I never knew I wanted, and un-tick so many of the silly ones I'd naively created for myself over the years.

Despite both the horror stories and generally lovely people, (who mutually just didn't 'click'), I met someone pretty great.

I quickly knew from the insanely cute profile picture of him and his two-year old daughter, long winded, bluntly honest self-description he'd written of himself at 2AM, and effortless five-hour phone call we had before we met.

So while I don't prescribe to 'The ONE' or 'Other Half' mentality, nor do I believe we will necessarily last until one of us is dead (credit Dan Savage), I love and feel lucky to have found and have him in my life.

I discovered my family online, and I will always be grateful for that.

Another Eating Disorder Post?

I've written before about my eating disorder but I'd like to be a bit more honest/specific this time around. Instead of focusing on the food, I'm going to write a little about where it comes from. Why? Because I only just realised that to heal myself I'm going to have to figure out the answers to all the questions about my behaviours, what's sitting behind it all. And perhaps it might help someone else too.

I am a Compulsive Overeater and have been since I can remember. The first time I remember eating past the point of full, without feeling in control was when I was 7 or 8. My Great Aunt and Uncle had me after school every Thursday and they would give me all the lollies, ice-blocks, sausage rolls, hot chips and tomato sauce I could possibly want. We didn't have this type of food at home, except for special occasions and I felt like Augustus Gloop in 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory'. I hated school and didn't understand the other kids or the point of all the rules and schedules. Apparently I woke up every morning, surprised that we had to do it all again that day. I was classed as 'eccentric' by my family and had few friends, I gradually understood that to fit in I had to stop telling people what I was really thinking and then things became easier. But I ate to fill myself up and numb the anxiety, sadness and loneliness I felt.

I still compulsively overeat for the same reasons. I will eat like that, generally by myself, quickly and secretly. I will eat until I hurt, beyond that I will eat until I hurt, then wait a few hours and eat to that point again. Something inside of me enjoys sabotaging my body, I enjoy hurting myself because it stops me from feeling the other feelings that I can't do anything about.

People often speak of eating disorders as being about control and in my case that is correct too. I eat because I can control that feeling, I can create it and maintain it and I understand it, it has been with me since I was a child. I have scars all over my body from hurting myself this way, scads of deep stretch marks, four more scars from my surgery to remove my gallbladder (I don't believe this would have happened if I'd treated my body with kindness), pre-diabetes and a body that acts much older than it's 29 years.

We all have our addictions, our weaknesses, our Achilles heel, mine just happens to be fed with copious amounts of food. It's a long term journey but over 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I'd be able to have the life I have now with my Bipolar. I'm strong and I know I'll find a way to treat myself with the love, care and respect it deserves one day - I hope that whatever your self-medication, that you also find your way there too.