I Refused Cake Today.

I refused cake today.

I refused lollies today.

I didn't add sugar to my coffee today.

I ate breakfast today.

I ate an apple when I was still hungry after lunch today.

I am 102.8 kilos (226.635 pounds) - kilos make me sound thinner - today.

I will probably be the same weight tomorrow, is what I'm thinking today.

I don't want this blog to become a weight-loss journey but I did want to write about this because it forces me to make it something concrete, today.

I will be posting my weight every so often, like today.

I don't think I have the guts (ha!) to post a photo yet today.

I may do that if I think it might help me or other people like me, another day other than today.

I'm done for today.

My Thoughts On Marriage.

I was/am one of the lucky few people in my generation to grow up with parents who were (and still are) in-love. They don't just love each other as companions, they didn't stay together "for the kids" (I know because they told me it wouldn't have been enough of a reason to), and somehow their love managed to stick around. I was always aware that it took work, that it wasn't magic, so I grew up knowing that it was possible but not always easy to find and keep love and that even some nights of a mainly happy marriage are spent sleeping on the couch.

In the last year or so I've begun to question what I believe marriage to be, more often questioning whether the ideals of marriage and in particular weddings actually suit me and if it is something I want to be a part of. I think it's often easier to figure out what you don't want to be a part of first, sort of like crossing out the options to narrow down and discover the ones you actually want. So my list is as follows:

1. I don't want to be a part of an institution that would have excluded me if the person I had eventually wanted to spend my life with was a woman. 
2. Or one that my friends and family are automatically excluded from if they love someone of the same sex. 
3. I don't want to carry on the sexist traditions which still symbolise that my female ancestors were once the property of their fathers and husbands. 
4. I also know that I don't want to spend the tidy sum of a house deposit on a glorified party (or just the dress). 
5. Nor do I expect my parents or partner's parents to pay for it. 
6. I don't want to plan said party to thinly disguise itself with claims about our commitment to our relationship but which rarely actually includes the person who makes it ours and not just mine.
7. I don't want to invite people who haven't actively taken part in our lives but who still expect that we will invite them simply because of genetics. 

All these reasons are logical but my feelings very rarely are. It's odd how you can grow up thinking that there are certain milestones you have to pass at certain ages otherwise you're a failure. I don't like the feeling that I might be missing out on something or regret having not taken part but I'm also not sure how relevant these milestones are to my life or how I want to live it anymore. The beautiful wedding with the flowers, the cake and the perfection isn't important to me as an adult as it was when I was a child. Maybe it's time to let those dreams go in order to be happy with my decisions now. 

My sister said to me awhile ago that she likes the romance of making the decision to be with her partner, the person she wakes up next to. I like that idea, because even when he pisses me off or has kept me awake snoring I choose to be with my partner every single morning. I feel lucky to have met and have him in my life every day. 

So, I suppose my final word on the subject for now is that if it was possible to remove the archaic traditions, extravagance, societal pressure, ridiculous expectations and general bullshit around marriage and weddings then I'd be keen as mustard. But as I'm not sure if it is, I'm not. 

Please Note: If you know me well enough then I won't have to say that the weddings I have been to and will continue to go to in the future have nothing to do with my thoughts on this subject. My love and support for those relationships and people goes far beyond the reasons I myself have against marriage, because it's about my reasons for me, not for them.