Same quiz sixteen years later

Saw this and thought I might update it a mere sixteen years later. You are so welcome (new answers in italics). 

Stole these questions from The Nightwatchman in Dec 2007.

When was the last time you lied?

A few hours ago, when I told myself those eggs were worth eating. 

About 5 mins ago about what I was doing on the intraweb.

When was the last time you used the word hate?

It was definitely the sentence "I hate when... does..." on the last film I watched with Trin, but I sadly don't remember the specifics. 

Today when I told Daniel I hated all boys and he took offense.

What is your most treasured possession?

My new Rothko print. I've wanted one for over 20 years, and I finally got one. 

My iMac, Molly.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Melanie Lynskey. She has the accent already, and some people think we look alike (which is untrue but super flattering). 

I want Scarlett J, so I'm getting Scarlett J.

What do you owe your parents?

My life. 

So much I don't even know the sum anymore. :(

What keeps you awake at night?

Thinking about things I have no control over but desperately want control over. 

My fucking mind never shuts the hell up.

How would you like to be remembered?

Hopefully, some people miss me. I'd like to make connections that meant something to someone. How they remember me isn't really that important. 

I don't need to be remembered, I wont be here anymore.

What makes you angry?

Not feeling heard or understood and injustice. 

Mostly myself.

What would you like to be your last words on earth?

So long, and thanks for all the fish. 

Cheers.

Which living person do you most admire?

Admire isn't the right word, but I guess I admire people who take risks with things they care about.

I honestly don't know, I don't really admire people much.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself and others?

Dishonesty. 

Being selfish.

What does love feel like?

Like you're in your own little universe where nothing else matters. Everything, the good and bad, is 100% more intense and impossible to escape. 

Every feeling possible, mixed up into a big pot, boiled and served with cabbage.

What's your greatest extravagance?

My fancy fridge that I love but currently barely use. 

My bloody phone. I take it back, I love you, you are priceless.

Define beauty.

Impossible to ignore and wholly positive. 

Pure and positive.

When were you happiest?

When I fell in love with Hayden and met Trin.

The last time I was riding a high.

What superpower would you like?

Ha. Still invisibility. 

Invisibility.

Favourite smell?

Whoever I'm currently in love with. 

Boys.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

See below with the addition of being a Mum. 

Still being alive.

Buzz, buzz, buzz

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm inhabiting my body. My mind just buzzes around nonsensically, and wherever I am is not down here. 

I don't mean that in a spiritual sense either, although I do potentially mean it in an energetic sense. That buzzing, that ongoing electricity I sense, is around most of the time. It might be coming from me, or maybe it's just there. With or without me noticing it. 

When I meditate or do yoga, I always keep my palms flat on the earth because when I don't, I feel overstimulated. I have no extra room inside me for more energy, even energy I don't necessarily believe exists. 

Maybe it's anxiety or at least the form of it that I create or recognise. I don't know. 

I'm not even completely sure why I wanted to write about it here. I write plenty of things that I don't write or publish on the blog. 

I guess I suspect these feelings aren't isolated only to me. Perhaps sharing it might make me or someone else feel less lonely. 

Does everyone feel lost a lot of the time? I'm trying to recreate a life for myself after the last one died. Although I was an active participant in its demise, so is it just that my last life was murdered? Probably manslaughter, though, since I don't think we plotted it out beforehand. The most reluctant murder ever. 

Potentially this feeling of loss and lostness is just part and parcel of a rebirth of some kind. Birth is violent and painful and ultimately confusing for all parties involved, so I guess it makes sense. 

I'd like things to be less hard, please. I don't know who I'm addressing that to. Although maybe if I stopped wanting my life to be something it never promised to be, I might feel a bit better about it. 

I don't think it's in me to seek the path of least resistance, but perhaps if I start embracing that, I'll feel less alone too. 

I ate eggs again even though my body violently rejects them. Why am I so comfortable with controlled discomfort and pain and yet actively avoid dealing with any of it on an organic level? I think I know the answer already, so I'll leave this rhetorical. 

Feeling a lot, all the time is exhausting. 

Hopefully, reading it is less so.