No Muff, Too Tuff

I have some weird decisions to make again. Like how I'm gonna pick up the giant, jagged pieces of my old life and how much I feel like spending on yet more glue. I should buy shares in life-holding-together glue. Although, maybe I need to be less frugal and get a better quality one this time so things don't fall apart so easily. Yea, I'll stop with the glue metaphors now. Too much of a good thing...

But seriously, I'm living with my parents again, in a city that I strongly dislike (but seem to be tolerating this time around), with no job, no money (less than no money)... Most of my friends are moving forwards at such a pace, I'm petrified that I'm going to get left behind in this washing basket full of all my dirty problems. I'm constantly told how young I am, how I shouldn't worry so much, but you know what? it's not your freakin life. I'm the one who feels like I get things sorted just to have them fuck up in a new and interesting way (lies, all lies, it's always the same way), yes so woe is me. Poor pathetic me. I swear I feel stagnant. Perhaps it's the Gemini in me that desires change so much. Yea, let's blame it on the date of my birth which means I can really blame it on my parents for having unprotected sex on a certain day, approx 22 years ago.

Then again, blame just makes you feel powerless. That's the point of it right? to shift the responsibility onto something or someone else so you can act like some sort of underdog/victim. I like control, it's the only thing I had in my life and felt like I lost about three years ago, don't know what you've got until it's gone. I had a plan. I'm no longer sure what the point of having a plan is since there are so many uncontrollable variables in peoples lives. I say that, and yet I don't even really believe it. People love to tell others that they're "so lucky" when good things happen to them, I think in some way they say it because they want to truly believe that it wasn't a controllable thing, that they themselves couldn't have achieved the same thing if they'd decided to work for it, shifting the power from them to 'fate' or something. I don't know lucky people. I know people who worked their arses off in shitty jobs, saved, studied, found someone they wanted to be with and stuck with it even when it got hard, and now they're happy. These people have to smile and agree when someone tells them how very lucky they are that they're happy and have achieved something. Anyone who is happy, even for a wee bit knows that there is fuck all fate involved in getting there, that it's about hard work, creating and taking opportunities instead of lying on the couch in their pj's with a bag of cheesy snacks.

And so here I sit, on the couch... even fully clothed and lacking such delicious snacks I can feel my desire to try seeping through my pores, probably landing on the dog and giving her a rash.

Balls of Steel.

Catching a plane in an hour, back to Wellers to get the rest of my shite and return speedily later this evening.

I'd rather go back to bed.

With a shake of salt.

Before I start ranting on about my problems, I just wanted to note that I've been pretty happy the last few days and am feeling like I'm moving forwards again. I know most of my posts turn out to have quite a low tone to them but I guess tis the nature of the beast (the best being me).

It's always easier to write about the negative stuff (because I want to sort it out and hopefully one day get through the large list of unhappies in my life), it's far more difficult to write about the good stuff going on. I spend most of my days talking to people who ask how I am, and to most of them (because that's all they're really wanting to hear) I come across as being rather optimistic about it all. So for me, my Blog is here to let me vent the other stuff, the silly reasons why I don't sleep at night because I can't stop thinking about how I have more paperwork to send to IRD and the numerous troublesome Sams in my life which I obsess over. I think I've said it somewhere in a previous post but basically, if you're reading this then don't assume this is it, this is me, take it with a grain of salt because it's merely a moment I've trapped here on the Intranet, cropped and just as possibly distorted as a digital photo.

And now that I've typed all that, I can't be bothered typing anymore of what I was going to talk about. My concentration level has gone to shit today from having gotten home this morning at 6:30am. :S

Will do, not try to do.

My Ruby was a force to be reckoned with today. I think everyone should have someone to talk to who makes them feel this empowered once a week. Fate becomes the consequence of your own choices and excuses/other bullshit is banned from the room. I don't always feel great after talking to her, there have been numerous occasions where I end up feeling like my energy has been sucked from my body via cognitive therapy. The idea being that your emotions are a direct result of your thought process', which in turn means that you theoretically should be able to control your own general happiness by thinking in the right ways. I agree to an extent but then again, the condition I have makes it somewhat impossible to control my thought process' at times, but the better I get at training myself a certain way, the more likely it is that one day I'll be a functioning, stable person without all the drugs.

Yuss!

Own worst enemy.

I swear, it's just ridiculous how one person can make so many mistakes and learn so little from them. Just in case you weren't aware of them, here is a list of some of my train wrecks (most of which I've drunkenly crashed on more than one occasion):

1. Slept with/hit on/made-out with a close friend and therefore ruined the friendship.
   
2. Slept with/hit on/made-out with someone when I knew it'd end in tragedy.
3. Slept with/hit on/made-out with a guy who was 70% average, 20% hot accent and 10% lucky he bumped into a lady with such a strong accent fetish.
4. Eaten to distract myself from pain.
5. Been overly honest with someone I was in a relationship with and scared them the fuck away (yes, as in running far, far away into the nearest horizon).
6. Been overly honest, let down my armor (given, I think mine is made of tin-foil anyway) and been severely, emotionally butt raped.
7. Loved someone so much that I forgot to love myself.
8. Cut people off in my life because I felt guilty for being such a huge drain on them when really I should have let them take care of themselves and at least respected them enough to let them make their own choice whether to be in my life or not.
9. Talked about change and never had the balls to act on it.
   
10. Written lists like this to distance myself from my own problems and therefore not actually positively participate in my life...

That turned out depressing. Perhaps because I just ate half a litre of Hokey-Pokey ice cream and sat here feeling pathetic for most of the night, except when I was doing one or more of the items on the list above.

Dead and buried.

I haven't typed in awhile because I really haven't had all that much to type about, which in my eyes is a pretty grand thing because it means I've had a lacking of drama in my life for once. Hurrah!

If you've seen or read 'About A Boy' you'll remember how he said having no job made him boring to talk to since new acquaintances always ask you what you do, to which his answer would have to be "um... nothing really". I have inevitably (it was only a matter of time really) become Hugh Grant but with 14D breasts and less like a turkey around the neck. I have no news as nothing in my life is changing, I have no stories because I currently live with a early middle-aged couple who are amazing but think it's fun to talk about other people's houses and gardens. They are very wrong.

So understandably it's hard to just sit around waiting to see if this new medication will work. I want to be independent again and leave this freakin nest for good. It's also a bit difficult to be living where I am as there are these hideous constant reminders of my disastrous past relationship everywhere I go. Unless you're planning on never leaving the person you're with then I'd refrain from having memorable moments with them, steer clear of any music, never go to the same cafe or restaurant more than once with them, in fact eat at home with them but only at their house... if you really want to protect yourself from future pain, make sure they live somewhere really remote, only ever see them there and once you've broken up, hit them on the head with a shovel and bury them there too.

Be good, live long and prosperous.

Lines.

I don't fit in very easily, I never have. Apparently I was an eccentric kid, hence why I had few friends and spent most lunch-times behind the school boiler room, sitting and watching the boy I liked play soccer.

Strike three.

So I'm in Chch, my parents bought me a ticket as soon as I called them and here I sit, on Mum's laptop in the office.

As shite as I was feeling yesterday I had to make a decision; either wallow and let it just take me over or take it and move pass it. So I cried for many hours, managed to get my arse on the plane whilst being in shock of some sort and today I feel good. I hate that I feel embarrassed, ashamed and disapointed in myself but I still do. I'll get past this and go back to Wellington once I've changed my medications and talked to my counciler here and feel ready to face the real world again. Right now though, I'm a bit fragile and I don't think I'd manage to survive another hit (although I am continually surprising myself in that respect) so I'm taking the cuddles, my Izzy, Mokey and my friends here in the idea that this is a break from life.

I miss everyone from work, it really sucks and I think my plant will probably die. :( Meh. such is life.

I am learnding!

After two years of therapy I feel like I know myself pretty well, I know what triggers me off on depressive eppies, I know that I trust people too easily, I know that I've spent most of my life so far, driven by my emotions. I know all this, and yet knowing is the easiest part, actually changing and working towards becoming a more stable/ideal version of myself is proving so challenging in fact that I quite often feel like it'd be easier to not know and therefore not have the ability or choice to change. That feeling when your parents told you they still loved you but didn't love your behaviour? Ten times worse when the disappointment comes from yourself.

I feel like I've become so cynical of myself now. My friends and family frequently try to remind me of how far I've come, especially over the last few years. I'm finally out on my own, have a job where I can see good things happening, have created a semi sort of life for myself here and yet I still feel like I'm messing it all up. The guilt that comes from all that can be so debilitating sometimes that I am too scared to exist in the world outside of my own head. So I sleep, to try and take a break from it all, to try and ignore and forget how I'm sabotaging my own life and relationships, even at that very second in which I'm trying to escape and in turn making it worse.

You can moan and bitch about how you've been given unfair situations to deal with but (and rightly so) no one will be listening. There is a reason why the guilt or disappointment stemming from yourself is so much worse, I think it's a defence mechanism. In the end, no one else cares, because in the end however you've messed up your own life doesn't really truly effect them, if you end up dying and regretting how you lived your life, no one is gong to give a shit but you. And by then it'll be too late.

All very heavy.

I just finished talking to my Dad. I swear he seems to have soaked up life experience in a way that no one else I've ever met has. He seems to be able to understand me even when he has never been in my position, he just gets it straight away. Unless of course he goes straight to his 'male reaction' to problems which tends to be the 'fix it' method. Although, maybe I could learn quite a bit from that type of attitude, it bends less towards the bitching and moaning and is probably more inclined to actually get you somewhere...

I had a point somewhere. It should be like a less exciting version of 'Where's Wally' for you.

Let it go.

As I said in the last post, I tend to be the last one still fighting for something or someone even once everyone else has gone home, I'm standing in the dark, mumbling and groping around trying to find whatever I was hanging onto, even when I've forgotten why I was holding onto it in the first place. One step at a time right? Being stubborn is hardly ever an endearing trait and even then, I think you'd have to be a fuzzy bunny or something to get away with it. So I'm leaving some things behind. Some traits, some people that I never really let go of and some old feelings that have been festering away in my mind for way too long. *Poof*

No that wasn't a cleverly masked fart. It was the sound of me letting things go.

And with that, I shall exit.