Fools In Love

I'm no longer drowning in my mess of life anymore. It's super crazy, I met this man who is amazing, so so amazing. Am pinching myself constantly.

I don't know what else to say for the moment, everything I write seems lame and insignificant.

In love. :)

Skinny me

My first beautiful day in Spring is being marred by some couple having a domestic next door. Meh. It's funny how some things just get under your skin and manage to irritate you.

Ugh I saw the worst film last night, 'The Ugly Truth'? Jesus. I even like both of the lead actors but it was just terrible. So incredibly predictable and not even comfortingly so. Katherine Heigl sure picked a lemon. The weird thing is though that she's not actually a bad actor, she doesn't have to just take all these romantic-comedy roles, she has proved her worth more than once over on 'Grey's Anatomy'. I guess she just wants a break from crying all the time but there are much less career crashing films to take on, so no excuses I say.

Meanwhile I've started calorie counting, crazy huh? I'm so not that kind of person but I've tried quite a few things to get over my afflictions with food and I haven't stuck to anything as of yet. Probably more my fault than the diet's but hey. So downloaded Perfect Diet Tracker and have bizarrely been enjoying it! I do like listing shit so not a huge surprise but it's quite satisfying to get to the end of the day with calories left to spend and not spend them. Although I warn you not to eat half a large pizza on this thing, the interface went bright red and made me feel bad. Twas a hard lesson to learn, like being told off by your loving teacher.

Bed hair? No that's merely my boy hair.

I'm hoping to start back on blogging medicinally after having put it on secret squirl for awhile now.

I'm trying to figure out the point of Twitter because it absolutely boggles me how popular it has gotten and whilst I now refuse to be on the other webby networks because I'm tired of being 'friended' by people I didn't like in High School or at one of my random shitty jobs, but mostly my addiction to those fucking inane online quizzes. I'd say how proud I am that I never went so low as to get an online farm but I'm pretty sure my Hogworts banner launched me to a sad status.

Other than all that I have a wedding to look forward to in a few months with some very close friends in Wellers and a much needed uprooting of my current hairstyle. I swear I looked in the bathroom mirror today and saw my head covered in 15 year old boy hair, it was a sight to behold, believe me.

Off to sleep now, must have serious future talks with possible future tutor tomorrow morning.

Sad

I have the sensation that I look just like an injured animal, something a bit pathetic and cute to be around for awhile, until he moves onto something stronger. I deleted his number to force him from my life. Forcing myself to let him force me from his life. Like a false severing of the ties, so I don't make it worse but also so I can wait for him to leave me. I feel so judgmental to those people that I thought were so sad, staying in relationships that were unhappy because they clasped to the comfort, to the person that at least they still loved maybe. They're still sad just more understood. I'm waiting for him to push me over, why? Because there is a chance in hell that he'll hug me instead, and even though I feel shite and my self-respect has been dropped.

Under my skin

I'm crumbling here, imploding doesn't quite cut it. But definitely an inward motion of sorts.

I've been sick most of the week, slept this entire week away.

I miss Nina. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to feel messed up though. It could all just be this rouse to create reason in the madness. I have all these reasons to be sad, lonely, unhappy but they're just explanations and those don't actually do anything. I never do anything. I'm a talker. All talk in fact. I expected so much more from myself, so did everyone around me. Of course we did, I can talk circles around anyone and passionately lead myself in a new direction every five minutes and yet I look around me after twenty-four years and I'm exactly where I started. Even people I don't respect have moved in some sort of concise direction. I envy that dedication in which I seem to lack the balls to adhere to.

I lost respect for myself years ago now. I wonder if I'll ever manage to grasp that again. I used to understand and mostly like how the world viewed me, my parents, friends, strangers and now I can't even see myself in the mirror anymore.

I want to be medicated because the idea that I'm this drain on my parents makes me emotionally nauseous but have the Doctors and pills really made me easier to live with? I'm still living under their roof, off their money, in their faces all the time. I'm acutely aware that this isn't the natural place for me to be. I live with so much guilt for so much and feel powerless even though I'm sure I am not.

This world seems too big for me. It is shaking me about, smashing me into walls and I keep thinking how being so out of control is why I hate Roller-coasters so much. Life is like a Roller-coaster apparently. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm so scared that I can't scream, need to vomit and have this over-all feeling that I just want to get off this fucking ride.

Leaning Against The Wall

I just spent an hour updating the layout of this thing, not knowing whether I really had anything of interest to write.

I'm lying here, listening to music, electric blanket on high, lamp on low, thinking about how much I need to buy some gloves. This scene is becoming very familiar, a routine of sorts. I don't have anything to stay up for at the moment, nor anything to wake up for at the moment. It's frustrating in that sort of hopeless, mind-numbing way where you feel trapped but so exhausted you've stopped trying. My parents try harder at my life than I do.

The awareness that it'll change and progress is there but as much of a cliche it is, the murky clouds return and capture my mind for the moment and I feel alone.