Sad

I have the sensation that I look just like an injured animal, something a bit pathetic and cute to be around for awhile, until he moves onto something stronger. I deleted his number to force him from my life. Forcing myself to let him force me from his life. Like a false severing of the ties, so I don't make it worse but also so I can wait for him to leave me. I feel so judgmental to those people that I thought were so sad, staying in relationships that were unhappy because they clasped to the comfort, to the person that at least they still loved maybe. They're still sad just more understood. I'm waiting for him to push me over, why? Because there is a chance in hell that he'll hug me instead, and even though I feel shite and my self-respect has been dropped.

Under my skin

I'm crumbling here, imploding doesn't quite cut it. But definitely an inward motion of sorts.

I've been sick most of the week, slept this entire week away.

I miss Nina. Maybe I'm just using that as an excuse to feel messed up though. It could all just be this rouse to create reason in the madness. I have all these reasons to be sad, lonely, unhappy but they're just explanations and those don't actually do anything. I never do anything. I'm a talker. All talk in fact. I expected so much more from myself, so did everyone around me. Of course we did, I can talk circles around anyone and passionately lead myself in a new direction every five minutes and yet I look around me after twenty-four years and I'm exactly where I started. Even people I don't respect have moved in some sort of concise direction. I envy that dedication in which I seem to lack the balls to adhere to.

I lost respect for myself years ago now. I wonder if I'll ever manage to grasp that again. I used to understand and mostly like how the world viewed me, my parents, friends, strangers and now I can't even see myself in the mirror anymore.

I want to be medicated because the idea that I'm this drain on my parents makes me emotionally nauseous but have the Doctors and pills really made me easier to live with? I'm still living under their roof, off their money, in their faces all the time. I'm acutely aware that this isn't the natural place for me to be. I live with so much guilt for so much and feel powerless even though I'm sure I am not.

This world seems too big for me. It is shaking me about, smashing me into walls and I keep thinking how being so out of control is why I hate Roller-coasters so much. Life is like a Roller-coaster apparently. Perhaps that's why I feel like I'm so scared that I can't scream, need to vomit and have this over-all feeling that I just want to get off this fucking ride.