The Guru

I'm good at advice. Well no, not really advice, I guess I'm good at listening and then seeing something the other person hasn't been able to see themselves. I do it with myself all the time, I know exactly how I could be a better/happier/healthier person and I can talk about it forever but I never seem to move past the thinking and into the doing. It's incredibly frustrating to feel trapped by yourself. We all are to some respect I guess. How we see ourselves, how we choose to be seen by others... I just feel stuck so often in my life.

This isn't a cry for help, I promise. It's more of a thought amongst thoughts that will hopefully one day become an action.

Swwwwishhhhhhh.

I've been thinking about finishing my degree. I could even take on the Summer School course that I need to get done in November if I want to. I went back to the Massey site and downloaded the degree timetable, and plotted the degree out. I actually got excited about it even. I'm still going to look for a job but as much as I'd like it to, I highly doubt that my dream job will fall into my lap and who's kidding who? I'm not going to end up becoming some entrepreneur, I like having guidelines to work around, people to collaborate with or at least bounce ideas off. I like working for someone. My main reasoning though is this: if I want to work in the New York or Paris studios then I need a fucking amazing reel, and to get a fucking amazing reel, I'll need to have a great portfolio and then get work at a great studio in Welly, work here for a few years and develop that fucking amazing reel I know I will one day be capable of. But right now, I need time to learn and motivation to churn out work, and that's what courses at Uni are really. If we could all do research on our own and develop our own educations independently then we would but most of us can't. Now that I'm stabilised and generally happy and confident, I know I could do the Uni thing. It's funny how scared I was at failing for so long after being pulled out... but now I don't see any of it as a failure, it was just what happened and what I got through to be here now. Nothing to be ashamed of. :)

I've had a really nasty sore throat for about a week now which has been rather shite but meh, that's life. Rather that than most other ailments eh?

I know I've been a bit lack luster on the whole friends part of my life lately, but I'm starting to feel more myself again, more in control of what I'm doing and where I want to go, if that makes any sense. So I will be in contact soon you lovely people. :P

Numerous bear hugs and smooches from me to you.

Disappointment.

I slept with a close friend of mine on Friday, turns out I do sleep with all my male friends. Matt was right. No regrets there though, it was going to happen at some stage and now it's all over. Time to move past that series of disasters. Hurts though.

That's The Way We Get By.

Saturday.

Listening to music, bumming round on the net, talking to Jared, wearing no socks (because it's finally warm enough that I can!), thinking, drinking White Russians, thinking about what I'll cook for dinner, trying to decide whether I can be bothered up-keeping the Brazilian, thinking about getting a carrot from the fridge...

And that was only the afternoon's many activities.

Going, Going, Gone.

It seems pretty amazing to me that I can withstand so much pain from relationships without somehow passing out. I think I have a pretty high pain threshold I guess.

This guy I liked, he isn't in the place where he wants a relationships right now. Where is this place? I'd like to find this illusive place where the guy I like does want to be in a relationship, google map search it and set up my fucking base camp there. This 'place' and these 'ex girlfriends', both of which I've never even seen, seem to have this incredible power to control into the future and fuck up my potential relationships with these possibly very nice guys. I'm really fucking sick of it. I'm sick of having to deal with other people's past mistakes which somehow get passed onto me to deal with. Fuck it sucks. I really liked him too. In the end though, no matter how honest I know they're being, I'll never be able to believe that if I was the 'right' girl for them then none of those problems would be issue enough to not give me a chance. Why don't I come across as the kind of girl you should take a risk on? :(

My Dad broke up with his girlfriend to ask my Mum out. The 'right' girls do exist.

Look at me, I have potential, now watch it run down the toilet.

The Love Affair Continues

I arrived back in Wellers yesterday and I've spent the entire day in the city just soaking it back up again. It's been such a beautiful day, I feel so good, light is shining out my arse. I swear, I looked.

Oh dear god, a woman just walked by me with lime green 'Crocs' on. If that didn't ruin my mood then nothing can.

So as per usual, when there isn't much bad stuff going on, I don't have much to say. I left Chch, I actually had the balls to do some goodbyes this time. Felt really good though. Harder to leave, but felt right. I've already met up with a few friends, staying with Mark and Jax in Paraparaumu, I'm so freaking lucky to have them.

Wow I'm boring when I'm happy. Damn.

Rollercoasters Make Me Vomit.

I've had these pretty severe mood fluctuations over the last two days. I didn't take my medication and on top of it all, I drank alcohol when I was off them. Not the cleverest one of the bunch really. I'm back on them now but it's pretty amazing at the severe nature those fluctuations take on when I'm amongst them. Afterwards I'm exhausted by the sudden rush of intense emotions I've just gone through and sometimes, when I'm lucky enough to be self-aware at the time, I realise why I had them and that although those thoughts expressed didn't just come from nowhere, it was my condition which took on the rapids of extreme overreaction to it all.

Now that I'm feeling calm and am stable again, I have these bridges to rebuild. The biggest consequence of my actions is loss of trust from someone close to me and that's only if the person you hurt will let you attempt to recover that strength you had together again. I always feel so fucking guilty having people in my life that I am close to. I think that's why two of my strongest friendships are never uprooted because the nature is that we're there when we need each other, normally not on a regular basis. I'm not saying that we don't just spend time together in happy moments though, I would be completely lost without them in my life. My other friends aren't so lucky. I think Sam (the Chch version) was one of the strongest people I know for being able to get through all our time together, because I was in a really mind bogglingly bad place most of that period.

My close friends will have been pushed away by me on more than one occasion due to my guilt at being so difficult. When I've had an episode, I feel like I don't deserve to have any of them in my life because I don't think I bring anything good to their lives. It will never be that I don't trust them, respect them or need to be validated as their friend, but until I don't bring my shit into every single tiny fucking particle of my life, I will need them to be constantly deciding to be my friend or bow out of the soap opera. In numerous moments I've thought it would be nice to be able to run away from myself. Then again, that would be giving up.

Only I know how different I am now than I was a few years ago as a person but mostly with my condition... in some ways that seems disappointing that no one will ever know how hard I've worked to get to be me right now, but then again I wouldn't be me if I didn't feel like I'll always have so far to go in terms of self-improvement. I want to deserve to be alive and happy.

I will.