Lockdown & Mental Health

We went into self-isolation a week before the government put the country into lockdown. It was pretty obvious that this was the way it was going and once everyone else was home it was a bit of a relief.

So the third week in and my life hasn't significantly changed on the outside. I've been self-employed and working remotely for various clients for almost a year now. I had to make a conscious effort to make time to leave the house regularly, see my family and friends and get some sun in the yard.

I'm used to prioritising my mental health, Cyclothymia doesn't allow for lapses on that front. It's one of the reasons I decided to work for myself - it allows more flexibility to work around my brain chemicals. In fact, the lockdown has made it easier in many ways to regularly exercise, meditate and advocate for regular self-care.

Can you sense the flatness though? I can. My flatness is fucking palpable to me right now.

There have been loads of mental health initiatives over the years, imploring us to talk to people about our feelings. I am completely on board with this. In my case though, sharing my emotions to friends or family isn't usually helpful.

It's not that they're not receptive or loving, it's just that in my case there's nothing that they can do or say to help. It has always felt like I'm just loading heaviness onto someone I love, it doesn't lessen my heaviness, it just makes them feel heavier too. I always regret making them feel a little heavier.

This isn't the case for everyone, but I know what I need to do to move through my depression. Making other people heavier doesn't help me or them and it generally just unnecessarily worries them. I will be okay, I know this because I have eventually moved through every depressive episode I've ever had since I was 19.

Keith (my depression) and I are begrudgingly longterm flatmates at this stage. Most of the time it feels like being carried down a river rapid; my plastic floaties keep my head above the water. Much less frequently it feels like the water has turned to sludge and I need more help to stay afloat, either from my therapist or anti-depressants.

I write this because I'm not the only person feeling flat, perhaps darker than flat right now. I've created a life that is resilient enough to go through these times relatively unscathed. You will need to find the activities and support that will do the same for you.

I'm here if you need me. I will be okay and you will be too.