Buzz, buzz, buzz

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm inhabiting my body. My mind just buzzes around nonsensically, and wherever I am is not down here. 

I don't mean that in a spiritual sense either, although I do potentially mean it in an energetic sense. That buzzing, that ongoing electricity I sense, is around most of the time. It might be coming from me, or maybe it's just there. With or without me noticing it. 

When I meditate or do yoga, I always keep my palms flat on the earth because when I don't, I feel overstimulated. I have no extra room inside me for more energy, even energy I don't necessarily believe exists. 

Maybe it's anxiety or at least the form of it that I create or recognise. I don't know. 

I'm not even completely sure why I wanted to write about it here. I write plenty of things that I don't write or publish on the blog. 

I guess I suspect these feelings aren't isolated only to me. Perhaps sharing it might make me or someone else feel less lonely. 

Does everyone feel lost a lot of the time? I'm trying to recreate a life for myself after the last one died. Although I was an active participant in its demise, so is it just that my last life was murdered? Probably manslaughter, though, since I don't think we plotted it out beforehand. The most reluctant murder ever. 

Potentially this feeling of loss and lostness is just part and parcel of a rebirth of some kind. Birth is violent and painful and ultimately confusing for all parties involved, so I guess it makes sense. 

I'd like things to be less hard, please. I don't know who I'm addressing that to. Although maybe if I stopped wanting my life to be something it never promised to be, I might feel a bit better about it. 

I don't think it's in me to seek the path of least resistance, but perhaps if I start embracing that, I'll feel less alone too. 

I ate eggs again even though my body violently rejects them. Why am I so comfortable with controlled discomfort and pain and yet actively avoid dealing with any of it on an organic level? I think I know the answer already, so I'll leave this rhetorical. 

Feeling a lot, all the time is exhausting. 

Hopefully, reading it is less so.