From Patient to Advocate: Navigating Chronic Illness and Challenging Healthcare Systems - Geni McCallum

Before I got sick I assumed, like most people do, that the medical system was set up to help people heal. I thought that when I called an ambulance it would arrive, that if I had to go to after hours, I would be seen and that if I saw specialists they would find out what was wrong. It turns out that I was wrong and having an unnamed chronic illness causing pain and disability made support nearly impossible to access (Bülow, 2008). Due to these experiences, I am disillusioned and traumatised. Navigating the Kiwi healthcare system is about doing research and advocating so you don’t just get sent home with opiates. A process entrenched by cultural and systemic dynamics within clinical encounters (Dew, Scott, & Kirkman, 2016). In reviewing what I learnt in this course, I will link it to my own experiences. I’ll be using an analysis of the healthcare system and language I never knew how to articulate before I began this course. 

Initially, my understandings of health and illness were limited to anecdotal and personal experiences. I knew a lot about the changes that I’d seen in the last 30 years or so from a layperson’s perspective but I didn’t know how the language and communication of health impacted systems and people. My assumptions had always been that the medical system was only improving due to better technologies and scientific understanding of human bodies. I wasn’t fully cognisant that money and power have always manipulated what and who gets studied and the lenses which control their outcomes (Ioannidis, 2005).

If it’s not life-threatening, or doesn’t directly impact white, cis-men, it’s not going to get as much funding or focus (Ioannidis, 2005). This is reflected in the time it takes to be diagnosed with endometriosis or PCOS (Evans, 2022). This pattern is also clear in the many gender biases within medical treatment (Hamberg, 2008). I was told after multiple ultrasounds that my IUD insertion wasn’t causing me pain for over a year until I finally got to see a gynaecologist who said “Of course it is! Let’s whip it out now”. I was told I didn’t have PCOS because I didn’t have “high enough androgens”. When I moved to Melbourne, my GP did an insulin resistance test and ultrasound. It was clear that I’d been misdiagnosed for years. This has nothing to do with science and everything to do with culture and conditioning which over-legitimise biomedical frameworks in the DSM, despite their limitations and criticisms (Lafrance & McKenzie-Mohr, 2013). This system is focused on treating parts rather than the whole and has more to do with ingrained medical culture than science itself. 

How the Course Concepts Influenced My Perspectives

Social Construction of Illness

Appearance and social perceptions contribute significantly to health assessments, influencing how individuals are diagnosed and treated (Jutel & Buetow, 2007). This further illuminated my realisation that the biases in medical research funding aren’t just against cis-women, but trans, queer, people of colour and disabled people (Bülow, 2008). For instance, Māori cis-women have much lower health outcomes which has often been blamed on them (Cormack & Harris, 2009). Research supports these observations, showing that systemic biases contribute to persistent disparities in Māori health outcomes (Cormack & Harris, 2009). Looking outside of my perspective allowed me to understand that marginalised groups are also being neglected. I may have a hard time being listened to or taken seriously by medical professionals, but if I were a Māori wahine, I’d encounter even more barriers to care, as highlighted by observations of systemic challenges faced by Māori patients in Aotearoa (Masters-Awatere, Cormack, Graham, & Brown, 2020).

Power Dynamics in Medical Interactions

The power dynamics discussed in the course validated my experiences of feeling unheard, reinforced by the way the DSM shapes perceptions of legitimacy in medical practice (Lafrance & McKenzie-Mohr, 2013). In being told my symptoms weren’t important or severe, the doctors used their authority to make me more pliant and easier to manage. This dynamic reflects the broader issue highlighted by Pearl (2022), who discusses how entrenched power imbalances can silence patients and hinder effective communication. The course content on power dynamics affirmed my experiences, showing how power structures in healthcare can silence patients. The diagnosis itself can function as a social and political tool, determining who receives legitimacy and who is just ignored (Jutel, 2021, p. 11).

Person-Centred Care

The emphasis on the patient-centred model of care made me see the potential for improvement and evolution from our current model. Research supports that such models can shift the power balance and increase patient agency (Mead & Bower, 2000). This aligns with Coulter and Oldham’s (2016) argument that person-centred care, which treats patients as equal partners and respects their individual needs and preferences, is essential for effective healthcare. I have had many experiences as a patient when I wasn’t given all of the relevant information for a test or treatment. Particularly when treatment is painful or invasive, there was a brief explanation and no communication of my rights. I’ve never been told that I have the right to stop a procedure or even pause it. It was always implied that I had to withstand extreme pain, make no fuss and be a “good patient”. This meant that when mistakes were made, I didn’t say anything because I was conditioned to suffer silently. 

Reflection on Personal Growth and Insights:

When I started this course I became angry at how so many of us are conditioned not to question the authority of medical staff. I reflected on how low my expectations had become in interacting with these systems. It allowed me some space to realise that all my feelings were valid and that I wasn’t just being difficult. 

We all deserve more than what we’re currently getting. Even now I am struggling to type because the nerves in my arms and hands have seized up. Even now I still don’t have a diagnosis because my condition hasn’t been researched enough. Even now I sometimes doubt whether my pain is even real if it can’t be measured externally. This aligns with research showing the psychological toll chronic pain takes on individuals, leading to challenges in maintaining self-advocacy (Turk & Okifuji, 2002). Even now as I attempt to navigate a culture that doesn’t understand how I can be disabled by an invisible illness. We deserve more than this broken system and people who listen to us and our needs.

I felt I had no power but I’ve begun to say no more and demand better treatment.

Broader Applications and Critical Reflections

People with chronic conditions, need to be organised to get what they need. They need supportive families and friends who will build the toilet frame that ACC sent them to assemble themselves (true story) or just visit them when they can’t leave their houses. Systemic health inequalities are deeply embedded in healthcare structures, requiring comprehensive reforms to ensure equitable access and treatment (Wylie & McConkey, 2019). And most importantly they need to be given as much information as possible so that they can be part of their health journey instead of a powerless bystander. 

A possible improvement would be hiring some patients who had been through treatments, tests, etc. to write the guides of what to expect instead of medical staff. These would address the patient’s concerns and highlight their right to stop procedures and ask questions. Consent is finally being taught in schools, it needs to be taught to patients and more importantly to medical staff. The damaging power imbalance needs to be addressed and ethical consent training should be mandatory.

It’s clear that the current healthcare system isn’t working well for anyone and needs deep systemic change. Real improvement has to begin with a government that prioritises accessible, community-centred healthcare and genuinely listens to those who advocate for it. Without that, nothing will shift. Apathy breeds suffering, and we must push against it. We deserve more than just being treated as a collection of broken parts. As this course has shown, informed communication and empowerment are essential steps toward reclaiming health and trust in the system.

References

Bülow, P. (2008). “You Have to Ask a Little”: Troublesome Storytelling About Contested Illness. In  

Health, Illness and Culture (pp. 23). Routledge.

Cormack, D., & Harris, R. (2009). Issues in Monitoring Māori Health and Inequities. Te Rōpū Rangahau 

Hauora a Eru Pōmare, University of Otago.

Coulter, A., & Oldham, J. (2016). Person-centred care: what is it and how do we get there? Future 

Hospital Journal, 3(2), 114–116. https://doi.org/10.7861/futurehosp.3-2-114

Dew, K., Scott, A., & Kirkman, A. (2016). Health Consumers and the Clinical Encounter. In Social, 

Political and Cultural Dimensions of Health. Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-31508-9_2

Evans, S. (2022). People with endometriosis and PCOS wait years for a diagnosis – attitudes to women’s 

pain may be to blame. The Conversation. https://theconversation.com/people-with-endometriosis-and-pcos-wait-years-for-a-diagnosis-attitudes-to-womens-pain-may-be-to-blame-179500

Hamberg, K. (2008). Gender bias in medicine. Women’s Health, 4(3), 237–243. 

https://doi.org/10.2217/17455057.4.3.237

Ioannidis, J. P. A. (2005). Why most published research findings are false. PLoS Medicine, 2(8), e124. 

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.0020124

Jutel, A. (2021). Diagnosis: A social and political phenomenon. In Routledge International Handbook of 

Critical Issues in Health and Illness (p. 11). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003185215-8

Jutel, A., & Buetow, S. (2007). A picture of health? Unmasking the role of appearance in health. 

Perspectives in Biology and Medicine, 50(3), 421–434.

Lafrance, M. N., & McKenzie-Mohr, S. (2013). The DSM and its lure of legitimacy. Feminism & 

Psychology, 23(1), 119–140. https://doi.org/10.1177/0959353512467974

Masters-Awatere, B., Cormack, D., Graham, R., & Brown, R. (2020). Observations by and conversations 

with health workers and hospital personnel involved in transferring Māori patients and Whānau to Waikato hospital in Aotearoa New Zealand. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 17(23), 1–13. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph17238833

Mead, N., & Bower, P. (2000). Patient-centredness: A conceptual framework and review of the empirical 

literature. Social Science & Medicine, 51(7), 1087–1110. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0277-9536(00)00098-8

Pearl, R. (2022). Breaking the rules of healthcare: The doctor-patient power dynamic. Forbes. Retrieved 

from https://www.forbes.com/sites/robertpearl/2022/04/11/breaking-the-rules-of-healthcare-the-doctor-patient-power-dynamic/

Turk, D. C., & Okifuji, A. (2002). Psychological factors in chronic pain: Evolution and revolution. 

Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 70(3), 678–690. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.70.3.678

Wylie, M. C., & McConkey, M. (2019). The structural challenges of health inequities. The Lancet Global 

Health, 7(2), e162–e163. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2214-109X(19)30009-4

Same quiz sixteen years later

Saw this and thought I might update it a mere sixteen years later. You are so welcome (new answers in italics). 

Stole these questions from The Nightwatchman in Dec 2007.

When was the last time you lied?

A few hours ago, when I told myself those eggs were worth eating. 

About 5 mins ago about what I was doing on the intraweb.

When was the last time you used the word hate?

It was definitely the sentence "I hate when... does..." on the last film I watched with Trin, but I sadly don't remember the specifics. 

Today when I told Daniel I hated all boys and he took offense.

What is your most treasured possession?

My new Rothko print. I've wanted one for over 20 years, and I finally got one. 

My iMac, Molly.

Who would play you in the film of your life?

Melanie Lynskey. She has the accent already, and some people think we look alike (which is untrue but super flattering). 

I want Scarlett J, so I'm getting Scarlett J.

What do you owe your parents?

My life. 

So much I don't even know the sum anymore. :(

What keeps you awake at night?

Thinking about things I have no control over but desperately want control over. 

My fucking mind never shuts the hell up.

How would you like to be remembered?

Hopefully, some people miss me. I'd like to make connections that meant something to someone. How they remember me isn't really that important. 

I don't need to be remembered, I wont be here anymore.

What makes you angry?

Not feeling heard or understood and injustice. 

Mostly myself.

What would you like to be your last words on earth?

So long, and thanks for all the fish. 

Cheers.

Which living person do you most admire?

Admire isn't the right word, but I guess I admire people who take risks with things they care about.

I honestly don't know, I don't really admire people much.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself and others?

Dishonesty. 

Being selfish.

What does love feel like?

Like you're in your own little universe where nothing else matters. Everything, the good and bad, is 100% more intense and impossible to escape. 

Every feeling possible, mixed up into a big pot, boiled and served with cabbage.

What's your greatest extravagance?

My fancy fridge that I love but currently barely use. 

My bloody phone. I take it back, I love you, you are priceless.

Define beauty.

Impossible to ignore and wholly positive. 

Pure and positive.

When were you happiest?

When I fell in love with Hayden and met Trin.

The last time I was riding a high.

What superpower would you like?

Ha. Still invisibility. 

Invisibility.

Favourite smell?

Whoever I'm currently in love with. 

Boys.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?

See below with the addition of being a Mum. 

Still being alive.

Buzz, buzz, buzz

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm inhabiting my body. My mind just buzzes around nonsensically, and wherever I am is not down here. 

I don't mean that in a spiritual sense either, although I do potentially mean it in an energetic sense. That buzzing, that ongoing electricity I sense, is around most of the time. It might be coming from me, or maybe it's just there. With or without me noticing it. 

When I meditate or do yoga, I always keep my palms flat on the earth because when I don't, I feel overstimulated. I have no extra room inside me for more energy, even energy I don't necessarily believe exists. 

Maybe it's anxiety or at least the form of it that I create or recognise. I don't know. 

I'm not even completely sure why I wanted to write about it here. I write plenty of things that I don't write or publish on the blog. 

I guess I suspect these feelings aren't isolated only to me. Perhaps sharing it might make me or someone else feel less lonely. 

Does everyone feel lost a lot of the time? I'm trying to recreate a life for myself after the last one died. Although I was an active participant in its demise, so is it just that my last life was murdered? Probably manslaughter, though, since I don't think we plotted it out beforehand. The most reluctant murder ever. 

Potentially this feeling of loss and lostness is just part and parcel of a rebirth of some kind. Birth is violent and painful and ultimately confusing for all parties involved, so I guess it makes sense. 

I'd like things to be less hard, please. I don't know who I'm addressing that to. Although maybe if I stopped wanting my life to be something it never promised to be, I might feel a bit better about it. 

I don't think it's in me to seek the path of least resistance, but perhaps if I start embracing that, I'll feel less alone too. 

I ate eggs again even though my body violently rejects them. Why am I so comfortable with controlled discomfort and pain and yet actively avoid dealing with any of it on an organic level? I think I know the answer already, so I'll leave this rhetorical. 

Feeling a lot, all the time is exhausting. 

Hopefully, reading it is less so. 

Separating Together

The relationship I've been in for the last 11 years has evolved. Maybe I sound a bit new-age-y (consciously uncoupling?) but as hard as it has been to grieve the change, it has also been freeing, for both of us I think. 

We made some big commitments early on when we were just 24 years old and one of them was that we wouldn't stay together if we were unhappy together. It didn't mean we didn't work through tough times, or that we thought we should always be blindingly in-love forever or else - it just meant we cared enough about each other to promise not to chain ourselves together if it just wasn't working anymore. 

Despite this, the decision took time, it's hard to know when or if to let go. It wasn't some frivolous thing that was easy or made in anger. Once we'd both gotten to that place, I felt both deep sadness and relief. 11 years together, building a life and a family feels like a physical and emotional attachment and slowly dissolving some of those bonds with solvent is difficult to do. It's like a bizarre type of surgery; sometimes you realise you've pulled too quickly and you've inadvertently left wounds or even small scars on each other. But I think we managed to separate ourselves from each other as carefully and with as much love and respect as possible. 

It was during this time that I realised I chose the right person to marry - I know this because even when we chose to untangle ourselves from each other, we cared for each other as friends. It hasn't been pain-free, simple or without mistakes but I think we've both survived so-far because we still love each other. We've really tried our best to do this with eyes wide open the whole way through, even when it fucking hurt. 

We'll both be happier in the long run and we're still a family but we're no longer a couple. I wouldn't change our story and just because it didn't end in one of us dying, it's not a failure. As far as I'm concerned, our marriage was a success because we split up in time to preserve our relationship - tectonic change is seriously painful but we've survived it together. 

Now we're just taking time to heal and figure out what we want our lives to look like apart. 

Duh.

 I read in Frankie magazine that left-handers are predisposed to fear and anxiety...

...yep that tracks. 

Lockdown & Mental Health

We went into self-isolation a week before the government put the country into lockdown. It was pretty obvious that this was the way it was going and once everyone else was home it was a bit of a relief.

So the third week in and my life hasn't significantly changed on the outside. I've been self-employed and working remotely for various clients for almost a year now. I had to make a conscious effort to make time to leave the house regularly, see my family and friends and get some sun in the yard.

I'm used to prioritising my mental health, Cyclothymia doesn't allow for lapses on that front. It's one of the reasons I decided to work for myself - it allows more flexibility to work around my brain chemicals. In fact, the lockdown has made it easier in many ways to regularly exercise, meditate and advocate for regular self-care.

Can you sense the flatness though? I can. My flatness is fucking palpable to me right now.

There have been loads of mental health initiatives over the years, imploring us to talk to people about our feelings. I am completely on board with this. In my case though, sharing my emotions to friends or family isn't usually helpful.

It's not that they're not receptive or loving, it's just that in my case there's nothing that they can do or say to help. It has always felt like I'm just loading heaviness onto someone I love, it doesn't lessen my heaviness, it just makes them feel heavier too. I always regret making them feel a little heavier.

This isn't the case for everyone, but I know what I need to do to move through my depression. Making other people heavier doesn't help me or them and it generally just unnecessarily worries them. I will be okay, I know this because I have eventually moved through every depressive episode I've ever had since I was 19.

Keith (my depression) and I are begrudgingly longterm flatmates at this stage. Most of the time it feels like being carried down a river rapid; my plastic floaties keep my head above the water. Much less frequently it feels like the water has turned to sludge and I need more help to stay afloat, either from my therapist or anti-depressants.

I write this because I'm not the only person feeling flat, perhaps darker than flat right now. I've created a life that is resilient enough to go through these times relatively unscathed. You will need to find the activities and support that will do the same for you.

I'm here if you need me. I will be okay and you will be too.

Binge Eating

Binge eating is the compulsive act of over-eating, I would call it an addiction. I don't use the word 'addiction' lightly, as I'm well aware it has the capacity to ruin lives. I'm lucky (?) to have never been addicted to drugs, alcohol etc. but I was addicted to food. I know this because I sought it to self-medicate. I used it as a tool that it was never intended to be.

Imagine trying to unlock a door with a noodle and doing it over and over and over again for the majority of your adult life. Addictions are in their very simplest forms, trying to fix your feelings with a substance that isn't capable of fixing anything.

People with addictions are fearful, we run from our feelings and we run so hard and for so long that we forget which feelings we are afraid of. All we know is that ANYTHING is better/less terrifying than those feelings. And unless you've felt that paralysing fear, you won't really understand how powerful it is. I once pushed a needle through my grown-over labret piercing just to not feel my feelings. It really fucking hurt. Pain is sometimes preferable to feelings.

I feel like I should also mention the obvious; that addiction to heroin is not the same as one to food as it isn't physically addictive. Although there have been some studies done on the effect of sugar on the brain, I don't think that what I went through is on the same level.

I would now consider myself a recovering binge eater. It took me about 25 years to get here and I genuinely thought I never would. I'd tried Overeaters Anonymous (OA) a handful of times but never really committed to having a Sponsor. I had tried all the diets, all the versions of restriction - just everything. I was fucking exhausted. My eating disorder took up 95% of all of my thoughts, I was always thinking about food. I was thinking about how to get it, fighting with myself about when I ate 'unhealthy foods', feeling guilty and obsessing over it constantly. I would steal food from my family, hide and steal money from my partner and inhale junk food in my car on the side of the road so that no one could see me. I would eat so much food that it was physically painful, wait till I could eat again and then eat some more. There was no pleasure in food, I was just trying to figure out how to get more of it, without anyone noticing, all day, every day. It was my biggest shame and I was completely conscious, silently screaming at myself to stop and being incapable of doing so.

I'd love to write that I found the 'fix' that everyone could use to recover but I just don't think it exists. I ended up on the brink of completely imploding my own life. I was totally broken. So I gave up. I stopped fighting and trying to figure out how to 'fix' myself and let go. I let go of my ego enough to ignore the cheesy and religious side of OA, and began working the steps. I didn't go to many physical meetings but I did go to online ones and I found myself a sponsor who lives in the U.S and I began talking to her regularly.

She guided me through the steps and I slowly began to navigate a way through them that I was comfortable with. I'm an Athiest and OA is not, so it was tricky but not impossible. I read The Big Book, which is pretty old-fashioned (it was written by a white man back in the day) and I chose to ignore the sexism and find the intention behind the differences in values. Not easy.

I've since been asked by a few people about how I got through OA as an Athiest. I now direct them to Russell Brand's book 'Recovery'. It takes you through each step of AA with thoughtfulness, humour and most importantly without the religious dogma that puts so many of us off. I wish I'd done my programme with that book but my Sponsor was my Russell Brand and she was amazing.

I worked the steps, I took my time and I tried to be kind to myself. It took me quite a few months but I still remember the day I realised I hadn't thought about food. I was driving in my car and it suddenly hit me. I was so happy and shocked that I had to pull my car over and rang my sister in Melbourne to tell her. She is a recovering Anorexic so has an implicit understanding of the importance of such moments that no one else in my life has. Her support and understanding has been more than important to me - no one is less judgemental than someone who is a recovering - insert eating disorder here -. 

Those moments grew from there and I haven't binge eaten in a very long time. I chose not to count my days of sobriety, mainly through fear of failure. But honestly, it doesn't matter to me how long it has been. It doesn't mean that I'm skinny or eat super healthily all the time either. All that really matters to me is that my every living moment isn't filled with that shitty voice anymore. I don't think about food constantly and I feel like a huge burden has finally been lifted from my shoulders. I found my recovery when I learnt how to stop fighting with myself, and slowly let myself feel what I was so afraid of.

Potatoes Day 6

Right. So I have had no cravings for other food, no desire to binge and no major issues so far. I have had a few times where I felt a little spaced due to low sugar levels but I just ate a potato and it passed.

Fucking potatoes eh? Down to 100 kilos in less than a week. Am blown away.

Am expecting to gain some weight when I begin eating other foods again but it's pretty great to see some unprecedented progress on the scales. I can't see any difference yet but I'm pretty tall so my weight gets spread across quite a distance. Only 25 kilos to go!

And here is a list of shit fat people get;

• Skin tags (those fuckers are gross and annoying)
• Puffed walking to your car
• Beards growing before you're 30 (PCOS)
• Sweaty all the time!
• Makeup wears off quickly due to oily and sweaty Jess of being fat
• It's hard to put shoes on
• Your arse flopping over the edge of the toilet seat
• Hard to wipe in stalls cause there's no room!
• Saggy ass boobies
• Old man arse
• Random hairs sprouting everywhere, like horrible surprises 
• Scars on the inside of your mouth because your cheeks are too fat for your jaw and teeth 
• Almost impossible to cut your toenails so you pretend going to get a pedicure is something you just want to do
• Waxers commenting on how hairy you are and how sweaty you are because you stick to the paper
• Tattoo chairs drenched in sweat when you get up
• Chairs with the butt sweat on them
• Dark, sore, red marks where your bra, underwear, tights, pants and jackets have rubbed all-day
• Giant boobs that are too big for life
• A sense of humour used to self deprecate before anyone else can

Boom. I'm sure there is more, feel free to add below. 

Potatoes Day 5

I am very tired but it's not because of eating potatoes, I just had nightmares last night.

So headaches gone, weird flushes gone and I still have a good amount of energy.

Going to head to bed now but feeling great about my new diet - also looking forward to eating something other than potatoes in 9 days. :D

Presto Diet - Day Three

My partner showed me a video of Penn Jillette talking about his weight-loss. Said video is here.

I bought his book 'Presto' and started upon a reading rampage. His book is funny and I definitely don't agree with everything he talks about but the main pretence made sense to me.

I've only ever done one diet before, the Liver Cleansing Diet - which my Mum and I did together when I was about 16 or so. I did it and lost a bunch of weight and got a crazy amount of comments and positivity from EVERYONE. It was stupid, because as soon as I began to eat like myself again (binges and all) I just gained the weight back on. Plus I felt like a fucking failure.

Recently I decided to go back to Over-Eaters Anonymous again. I'd gotten to the point of exhaustion with my bingeing - my obsession with food had taken up so much of my energy that I was barely able to keep the rest of my life together. OA is a strange place, you go there because you really don't want to and you keep going because you really really don't want to. It's that type of awful feeling, deep down in the pit of yourself that is just screaming to leave the room - and your rational self realises that sitting in a room for an hour with strangers, telling you about their lives and eating habits should not illicit that reaction. The only reason your mind is reacting like that is because it's trying to save it's addictive self. You and your body want to keep running yourself into the ground because the addiction is just that strong, it has been your coping mechanism for life.

That addiction has both helped and hindered me through almost my entire life, starting back when my relationship with food and my body went sour. Much like how most of my future romantic relationships would go, it was a one-sided, needy-as-fuck relationship. Food was my first love. My second was my friend at Primary School that I used to obsessively stalk whilst he played soccer on the field.

Needless to say, the unrequited loves of my life made me terribly unhappy and food was a comfort to my loneliness, anxiety (that one has become quite the fucking buzz-word lately hasn't it?) and fear.

So this book by a Magician who at best I find funny and at worst I find annoyingly arrogant, felt refreshing and interesting. It also sounded like an bizarre way to implement the Meal Plan which OA recommends as part of your recovery process. A bit like doing an experiment on my fucked up, self-abused body.


At the real core of it all, I don't want to think about food constantly, I don't want to be obese and have all these shitty health problems at 31 years old, and I sure as hell don't want to die early because I ate too much BK.

The Potato Famine part is tough (it's also pretty offensively named). I have done it for almost 3 days now and my obsessive mind has been obsessing about potatoes a lot. And then this morning I woke up and I wasn't hungry, I think mainly because I don't really feel like a plain potato or kumera. That's interesting to me - that because I've taken the choices and pleasure out of my food (it's for 2 weeks), my mind doesn't feel like eating and I can clearly listen to what the rest of my body needs.

So I feel okay, more okay than I expected to feel. Although Penn mentions that the third and fourth days are generally the shittiest for people, so I'm waiting for that. The headaches are shit, the hot flushes are annoying and the puffy face is too but so far that's it. In the meantime I see my weight has gone down - whether or not it's just water weight or something else I don't know but that's cool, I'm in this for the long run. I started at 106 kilos and I'm now 102, my goal is 75.

I want my body to be healthy and live a long time and I'm eating potatoes for two weeks, then a mainly vegan based diet until I reach my target weight. Once I'm there I'll be vegan most of the time and eat what I want every two weeks, for a 4 hour period.

Penn's book may be a money-making venture, it may have more jokes and ego than medical advice (he does mention that he is after-all not a Nutritionist but a Las Vegas Magician) but it has helped me because it led me to believe that with my naturally obsessive and extremist personality (much like his), I needed to make changes that go with my nature, not against it. I cannot eat like a 'normy' and I don't want to. I'm going to eat like a big fat Magician whose trying to heal his body, and so far I feel like this is working for me.

Watch this space...

Beyond The Cock-shots

I wrote the following piece for a New Zealand 'news' (I use that word here very loosely) site called stuff.co.nz as they'd asked for contributions on the subject of finding love online. It was published but changed without my knowledge or authorisation. They retitled it: 'Finally finding wonderful online', added a stock image of a wanky young couple with equally wanky blurb: "SHOE ON THE OTHER FOOT: Why is it so difficult for a modern woman to figure out how to properly romance a man?" That blurb disgusts me on many levels and is completely contradictory to the message I was trying to get across.

I've since written to the editor to try and get it removed although I doubt that will happen. I decided to post it on here so that it could be posted how it was supposed to be read, and so that they get less hits from my friends who might click my link and decide to read it. Hope you enjoy...

BEYOND THE COCK-SHOTS - Geni McCallum

Rob Lowe - 'Parks and Recreation'

I've never had a problem with talking to strangers.

When I was studying and living in central Wellington, some of the most interesting conversations I ever had took place at bus stops, queues for coffee, turbulent airplanes and even within hospital waiting rooms.

When I was younger it sometimes led to me ask someone if they wanted to get coffee sometime, or vice versa, and I met great and not so great people dating that way.

Once I moved back to Christchurch I found it more difficult to meet people, and as I was an already seasoned geek, I naturally gravitated to online dating.

At first it was fun, judging people based on such a tiny bit of information about them, but soon it just felt a bit depressing.

FindSomeone was often full of men and women much older than me, looking for a serious relationship right off the bat. I was more interested in meeting new people and potentially dating them, if we happened to hit it off.

I've noticed that in relation to other countries, we often leave very little time to get to know people before we prematurely jump in the sack with them, and/or label them our significant other. As a woman, dating was often seen as being 'skanky', even though I was very open about it and never led someone on if I felt like it wasn't working out.

I went on quite a few dates, and figured out that a good way to determine whether there was any chemistry between us was to call them up and have a chat.

Gut instincts work incredibly well on this type of dating platform. Personally, if I had always listened to them, I wouldn't have ended up in some of the incredibly dangerous situations that I only narrowly escaped.

If Facebook had been around back then, I probably would have cyber-stalked them a little too, just to feel them out a bit before meeting in public.

I once met a guy who at first seemed really nice, but as soon as I met him I knew I just wasn't attracted to him. I let him know pretty quickly that whilst he seemed like a great guy, I just wasn't feeling it.

He decided to take that as a challenge and proceeded to attempt to 'sell himself up'. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a date with someone who won't shut up about themselves, even after you've tried to say you're not interested in them. Apart perhaps from realising he's following you out the door.

I said goodbye and then he stalked me (while texting me) for a bit, gave up and I walked back to my car, looking backwards every two seconds. Sadly, that's not nearly the dodgiest situation I managed to find myself in, but it's the only one I'm willing to publicly share.

I'd like to note that there will be no victim-shaming or sexist rants here (towards or against either sex). However, it should be understood that not everyone will be who they say they are. Once a guy turned up to meet me - his profile photo was of a completely different person!.

Whether you identify as straight, bi, gay, trans, male, female, or another label, please make sure you meet people in a public place and make a rule to stay there for the first date. It is NOT your fault if something happens to you and you decide to act otherwise, I just know that not everyone will be as lucky as I was to get away safely.

On a more positive note, I met my partner five years ago online.

Bizarrely enough we found each other, wading through the many, many unicorn proposals (a twosome wanting you to complete their threesome), sociopaths (I dated a guy for three months who lived a double life, complete with new-born baby and live-in girlfriend) and general liars on NZDating.

I met someone I never would have dated in real life, someone who turned out to tick all the boxes I never knew I wanted, and un-tick so many of the silly ones I'd naively created for myself over the years.

Despite both the horror stories and generally lovely people, (who mutually just didn't 'click'), I met someone pretty great.

I quickly knew from the insanely cute profile picture of him and his two-year old daughter, long winded, bluntly honest self-description he'd written of himself at 2AM, and effortless five-hour phone call we had before we met.

So while I don't prescribe to 'The ONE' or 'Other Half' mentality, nor do I believe we will necessarily last until one of us is dead (credit Dan Savage), I love and feel lucky to have found and have him in my life.

I discovered my family online, and I will always be grateful for that.

Another Eating Disorder Post?

I've written before about my eating disorder but I'd like to be a bit more honest/specific this time around. Instead of focusing on the food, I'm going to write a little about where it comes from. Why? Because I only just realised that to heal myself I'm going to have to figure out the answers to all the questions about my behaviours, what's sitting behind it all. And perhaps it might help someone else too.

I am a Compulsive Overeater and have been since I can remember. The first time I remember eating past the point of full, without feeling in control was when I was 7 or 8. My Great Aunt and Uncle had me after school every Thursday and they would give me all the lollies, ice-blocks, sausage rolls, hot chips and tomato sauce I could possibly want. We didn't have this type of food at home, except for special occasions and I felt like Augustus Gloop in 'Charlie and The Chocolate Factory'. I hated school and didn't understand the other kids or the point of all the rules and schedules. Apparently I woke up every morning, surprised that we had to do it all again that day. I was classed as 'eccentric' by my family and had few friends, I gradually understood that to fit in I had to stop telling people what I was really thinking and then things became easier. But I ate to fill myself up and numb the anxiety, sadness and loneliness I felt.

I still compulsively overeat for the same reasons. I will eat like that, generally by myself, quickly and secretly. I will eat until I hurt, beyond that I will eat until I hurt, then wait a few hours and eat to that point again. Something inside of me enjoys sabotaging my body, I enjoy hurting myself because it stops me from feeling the other feelings that I can't do anything about.

People often speak of eating disorders as being about control and in my case that is correct too. I eat because I can control that feeling, I can create it and maintain it and I understand it, it has been with me since I was a child. I have scars all over my body from hurting myself this way, scads of deep stretch marks, four more scars from my surgery to remove my gallbladder (I don't believe this would have happened if I'd treated my body with kindness), pre-diabetes and a body that acts much older than it's 29 years.

We all have our addictions, our weaknesses, our Achilles heel, mine just happens to be fed with copious amounts of food. It's a long term journey but over 10 years ago I wouldn't have thought I'd be able to have the life I have now with my Bipolar. I'm strong and I know I'll find a way to treat myself with the love, care and respect it deserves one day - I hope that whatever your self-medication, that you also find your way there too.